Random Parodies
by Rainbow Smite
Summary: Probably the worst thing ever written, I'm not going to lie.
1. First Meetings

This chapter is about Haley and Maddie's first meeting with Katan. (Haley and Maddie are, of course, the authors) We kind of appear out of nowhere, but just ignore that.

Disclaimer for all chapters: We do not own any of the Angel Sanctuary characters. We only own Maddie, Haley, and Ira. As much as we want sexy Katan, he's not ours. Just so thats clear.

Katan is standing on the top of a sky scraper, with Maddie and Haley lurking in the shadows. Then Maddie says to Haley, "You know, he is quite sexy, don't you think?" Haley twitches.

Katan's wings sprout out, and Haley suddenly flies out of nowhere and slams into his back, screaming "FLY BIRDEY MAN, FLY!" They both tumble off the building. Maddie calmly walks to the edge, and looks down. "I hope he manages to get control of himself before he hits the ground, that could hurt a bit." She shrugs, not particularly caring either way. She starts to walk away, when they appear again, doing a loop-de-loop, her still clinging tightly to him screaming, "FLY BIRDY MAN, FLY FLY FLY!", and they gracefully flop onto the cement of the building's roof.

Then Maddie asks, "Do you need help?"

"Yes, he won't hold still!"

"Not you, you idiot, him!"

"GET HER OFF ME, GET HER OFF!"

(insert big struggling scene here)

After a while, Haley still desperately clinging to him while shouthing unintelligible things, and Katan still, without success, trying to pry her off, Maddie exclaims, "Fine! If it'll get you to shut up!" She throws a small bottle of Krazy glue at Haley. Katan muttered, "Oh shit, what now?" Haley squeals, jumping up down, then pours the entire bottle down the front of herself. (A/N Not meant to sound sexy) and promptly glues herself to his back, placing one glue covered hand on his sexy ass, squeezing it lightly. "UNWANTED PHYSICAL CONTACT!" "Not from my point of view." Haley replied gleefully. "Well THIS could get interesting." Maddie stated with a smirk.

(insert another big struggling scene)

After finally giving up, the victorious girl still stuck to his back, Katan decides to go to that lovely dilapidated church he and Rosiel currently occupy. "I guess I'll walk, seeing I can't use my wings" He groans. "Well, you do realize I'm going to follow you, you have no choice in the matter. Plus, I'm kind of her "keeper", as you might say." Maddie stated simply, as if it was completely obvious. "...whatever, I guess it can't get any worse, anyway." Oh, how wrong he was.

As he walked down the street, he got many glances, people wondering why an escaped mental patient, or so they assumed, was stuck to his back. He tried to pull his collar up to hide his embarrassment, realizing once again that he couldn't, because the "escaped mental patient" was still stuck to him. He sighed sadly, and continued on.

As they arrive at the "lovely dilapidated church", walking in, Rosiel notices the sad expression on Katan's (sexy) face, and the unknown person trailing behind him, a smug smile on her face.(A/N Maddie, not Haley, he hasn't noticed her yet.) "What's wrong, my dear Katan? And who is that behind you?" Katan sighs and turns around, as Rosiel exclaims, "KATAN! WHAT IS THAT THING STUCK TO YOUR BACK!" "She glued herself to me, sir." Rosiel then notices the "thing's" hand on Katan's (sexy) ass. "HEY! That's MY ass!" "Well, technically, its HIS ass." Maddie points out. "Well whatever, I made it."

(Insert struggle to get hand off of "Rosiel's ass")

"..Why don't you just take the trench coat off?" Maddie inquires suddenly. "Among other things" Haley smirks. (insert picture of Katan on the ground, Rosiel's foot on his back, trying to pry off the "thing's" hand) "Yes, that would be a good thing before someone brakes my back, SIR." "Thats a good idea!" (A/N He means the taking off of the coat and among other things, not the breaking of the back.) Rosiel exclaims, ripping off Katan's coat, among other things, and hurriedly brings him to another room, closing the door behind him. Katan mutters as he's dragged away, "I hate you all SO much right now." (A/N Ooo, sexy images) Maddie chuckles and shakes her head, and starts to walk away. Haley, still stuck to the trench coat, lies uselessly on the ground. "...hello?...heeeellllllooo?" Maddie just keeps walking, ignoring her cries for help and the sounds in the other room. (A/N Ooo, sexy sounds)

THE END. Or is it? Please review if you would like to see more. This is our first one, trust us, it gets better! And crazier! And sexier...

Disclaimer: We don't own anyone except Haley, Maddie, and Ira. Oh, and we're doing each individual chapter with a disclaimer, because we weren't sure if one disclaimer disclaiming them all would do it. So yeah.


	2. Next Meetings and Intro to Ira

The next day...

"...heeelllloooo? helllo? HELLO YOU ASSHOLES!" screamed Haley, STILL stuck to the trench coat, which was still on the floor. And, as expected, nobody listened or cared. Maddie, still sleeping soundly on one of the broken church benches, suddenly woke up. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" she screeched, throwing a rock at her. "OW!" she cried, a large lump appearing on her head. "Well, now its time to put on my SEXY PURPLE LIPSTICK!" Maddie exclaimed, pulling out a small purple tube. Katan walked out of the room, looking a bit bedraggled. Maddie looked over while applying her lipstick. "Well, I guess we don't have to ask what happened to YOU last night." She said, smirking.

"Can somebody PLEASE get me off this fucking trench coat!"

"A little nail polish remover should get rid of that."

She said simply, pouring a bottle of it over her head. "I thought you said only a little?" The soaking person cried. "Eh, I thought it would be fun to douse you in flammable substances."

So then, at that moment, before Maddie could set Haley on fire, Rosiel skips and bounces out of the room, exclaiming "Gooooodd MOOORRNING EVERYONE! Tee hee!" Everybody looks at him. "Tee hee?" Maddie muttered, disgusted. "Well, it seems you're the only one in the room who had a good night last night." "Tell me about it." Katan grumbled, rubbing his poor sore (still sexy) ass

Rosiel wraps his arms around his shoulders. "Oh come on, it wasn\rquote t THAT bad." "Yes it was.\rdblquote Katan growled. Unfortunately, interrupting the detailed conversation about what happened last night in the other room, (A/N Damn it!) Katan was knocked to the ground by a flying escaped mental patient...thing. "WHEEEEE! I MISSED YOU LAST NIGHT, BIRDY MAN!" She shrieked, clinging tightly. "My names. not. BIRDYMAN." He growled irritably at her. "Well, I think its a cute little pet name, its better than sex pigeon, don't you think?" Maddie piped in. "Hey, get off of MY sex pigeon!" Rosiel yelled.

(insert comical struggle between the three)

Suddenly, Maddie whistles, and everyone stops. She suddenly throws a lighter at the crazed person still doused in nail polish remover. Suddenly, Ira appears. (A/N Maddie's imaginary vampire, he looks like Lestat quite sexy)"STOP DROP AND ROLL, DUMBASS!" Rosiel shouted \ldblquote That won't put out the fire, it has something to fuel it, you moron.\rdblquote Ira said. Haley, being herself, and that being a klutz, tripped and fell into the curtains, setting them on fire as well. "I'll get the hose." Maddie groaned.

Meanwhile, Katan was trying to stay away from the flaming mentally ill person, knowing he would be her first target. Maddie walks back in, dragging the hose with her, and sprays Haley and the curtains. Ira, getting bored, decides to leave. "..What was up with him?" Rosiel inquired, watching Ira disappear. "He comes and goes. He could appear randomly during this story, I don't really know. Being that the story has no plot, it may never end." Dun dun duuuuuuun...could be heard faintly in the background. "...Riiiight..."she muttered, staring back to where she thought she heard the noise from. Everybody looks around for the source of the "dun dun duuuuuuun" sound.

Meanwhile, Katan warily eyeing the area, trying to find the nearest escape route. Rosiel notices Katan's eyes darting around. "You don't want to leave me, now do you?" He says, wrapping his arms around his waist. \ldblquote We can have more fun tonight!" "I really, really hate fun.." Katan muttered. Rosiel softly kisses him on the cheek, Katan reddening slightly. By then, both Maddie and Haley were standing about a yard away, eyes wide with anticipation. "A LITTLE more intimate, if you please." Maddie said anxiously. "Ooo, yay, its getting good!" Haley squealed. "Oh great, NOW you just ruined it." Rosiel said. Katan frowned. Rosiel's lips slipped to his neck. "Who CARES if they're watching?" "I care. That, and the fact that I REALLY don't want to do anything. It hurt enough last night." "Awwww, come on! PLEEEEEEASE?" Haley whined. "Aw, yeah, make it kinky with BITING and stuff!" Maddie exclaimed excitedly. Rosiel and Katan both stare at Maddie. "...what? I like it that way!" "That's it, I'm outta here." Katan said, starting to leave. "Oh come on, I won't let them do anything to you!" "Yeah, but something tells me that what they don\rquote t do, YOU will." Rosiel buries his face against the crook of his neck, and starts to pull Katan's pants down. "You know Katan, underwear is like flavored lubricant. It looks pretty, but it really has no use, because your ass has no taste buds." Everyone stares at Rosiel. "..What? It made sense five seconds ago! But now that I think about it, it actually really doesn't." Crickets chirp. "WHY IS EVERYONE STARING AT ME LIKE THAT?" Small cricket seen giving him the finger, then hops away. "...damn cricket...DAMN THEM AND THE YU-GI-OH FANS!" Then Maddie shouts, "YES! DAMN THOSE PERVERTS! Not that we aren't perverts, but they're worse!"

(insert World War 2 reinactment, only with Yu-Gi-Oh fans and ourselves)\par

About 10 seconds later, after that was taken care of... "...What were we saying?" Maddie said suddenly. Rosiel replied "Well, I think we were in the middle of either trying to seduce Katan, or trying not to let him go anywhere. By the way, where is he?" Everyone turns around and sees Katan creeping towards the door. "...damn..." Haley suddenly twitches, and slams into him, and implies doing naughty things. "STOP IMPLYING DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO HIM, HE'S MINE TO DO THAT WITH!" And all of a sudden, that annoying Scooby-Doo chase music comes on, and Katan is chased by everyone. Suddenly, they're in that scene where there\rquote s a bunch of doors in a hallway and whenever you go through one door, you end up at a different part of the hallway. After running through these doors multiple times and running into each other in Scooby-Doo fashion, They all stop as Maddie points out, "How is it that if we go through the doors on the left side of the hallway, we end up on the right side of the hallway?" Everyone stops and ponders that. After a lot of imaginary beard stroking, Katan walks over to the left side of the hall and puts his arm in it, only to see his hand appear 3 doors away on the right side of the hall. Maddie exclaims "It doesn\rquote t even make SENSE! They aren\rquote t even ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER!" Maddie looks at Haley." ...Did you somehow make us drink some of your "special" punch, Haley?" Haley cuddles up to Katan.

"I made it ESPECIALLY for you, Birdyman."

"MY NAMES. NOT. BIRDYMAN!"

"And he's MINE, not yours!"

Rosiel shouts and picks her up and throws her through one of the doors, and she is seen flying past their view point again, then turns a corner and flys past them again, only to go through another door which leads somewhere else and to another and another door. "...How do those doors keep changing direction?" Maddie asked curiously, as they all watched her whiz back and forth. "...when is she going to stop?" Rosiel said, actually quite amused by this, and adds "You know, I never knew we even HAD a long corridor of interconnecting crazy doors." Followed by more imaginary beard stroking, as Haley continued to whiz past their heads. "Eh, whatever, who cares." Maddie said simply as they all shrugged and walked away, hearing the faint calls of "...hellllo? Heeeeeeeellllloooo?" in the distance.

And so ends our second chapter, once again leaving Haley in another awkward situation, courtesy of the other three. Please review our random insaneness. Thank you!


	3. Katans past and Rosiels sick fetish

...And as Setsuna held Sara closer, he... A familiar voice is heard during the scene. "Yeah yeah, blah blah, nobody cares. You're in love with your sister, you in-breeding son of a bitch! It's illegal, its sick, and its WRONG! Now let's get back to the REAL interesting characters, and us. The best of them all."

Scissors cut across the screen, making Setsuna and Sara disappear. "...heeeellllllllooooo?" "Not now!" As Haley whizzes past, Maddie holds her hand out and Haley flies into it with break-neck speed, but unfortunately, it hits her in the torso, not in the neck, only breaking a few ribs. "..Thank you..." She says, crumpled up on the floor. Katan suddenly walks over and stares at the heap of insane psychoticness.

"Finally got her to stop flying around?"

"Yup"

"...How long has she been doing that for?"

"Well, judging by the update of our last chapter, I'd say like a half hour ago. (A/N keep in minde, that when we wrote this, it had only been a half hour sence we had written more.)We're really really bored."

Rosiel laughs "You guys are LOSERS"

"Your calling ME a loser? You want your sister, you incest lusting freak! STOP IT, STOP IT!"

She continues yelling and slapping him multiple times. Katan has to pull her off after a while.(Even though he really didn't want to.)

"I can't stand the whole in-breeding thing. And besides, your sisters a whore."

"She is not!"

"She is to."

"SHE IS NOT!"

Haley is in the background running in circles going "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!". They all stare at her for a second, before shaking their heads. "ANYWAY.." Katan interrupted. "Wouldn't she be considered a LESBIAN whore?" More imaginary beard stroking. "Why!" Rosiel cries out. "She's not a lesbian, she has to love me!" "Well, that explains _why_ she has to be a lesbian." Maddie muttered, then added "Well think about it, she likes that Sara bitch, even if she's in a guy's body. Its still Alexiel." Maddie pointed out. "LE GASP! You're right. She is a LESBIAN...whore." Rosiel says, running into his room crying. "PUSSY!" Maddie shouts after him. Haley suddenly randomly appears beside Katan and clings to his arm. "BIRDYMAN, we should see how cute you were when you were little!" "Yeah, I want to find out if Rosiel actually molested you when you were little." Maddie added. "Lord Rosiel did NOT molest me! When I was younger, anyway..." "Well, let's look and be the judge of that." Maddie said, as Haley jumped on his back screaming "TO THE COUCH, BIRDYMAN! AWAAAAAAAAAY!"

As we approach the mystical magical couch of memory fantasies, we are suddenly transported to the past, where we stood and watched the happenings like a movie.

At the birth of Katan

Katan is a little boy staring up at Rosiel, naked, not surprisingly. "Ooo, he so smooth and shiny, like a boiled egg!" (A/N That thing about the boiled egg was in the little thing the author said in little the column she had by the picture, or somewhere around that area.) Haley squeals. "Shut up, I'm not an egg!" He throws an egg at her. "Just shut up and keep watching." Maddie says, hitting her in the back of the head. And Rosiel starts to fly off. And, unfortunately, Katan is naked with nothing but that rag of a blanket. He shouts up "WAIT! I NEED SOME PANTS! PLEASE!" "Rosiel says back down "If you want some pants, meet me at Etemenanki at Atziluth. What the hell is up with those names? I mean, seriously, was the author on fucking crack when she wrote that? Oh oh wait, this is the part where I'm supposed to leave, isn't it? Oh um... Farewell, Katan!" Rosiel disappears. A four or five year old looking Katan sits there with a cute pout and says "Great. Not even

five minutes old, and I think that guy was trying to molest me. Wait, I think it was a guy. And I'm really cold. And how do I know what I'm saying, no one has taught me to speak yet." "...I thought you said he didn't molest you?" Maddie asked. "Well, he DIDN'T, but it seemed like he did."

school scene, couple years later, with pants (Whee, pants!)

Katan is seen walking with a teacher asking him, "If angels aren't allowed to have children, then why do they have a school for it?" But before he could get his question answered, he noticed Rosiel and ran towards him, shouting out his name and asking why he didn't he leave him pants. Rosiel hits Katan on the cheek with his little gay ridding crop. "Ooo, kinky." Haley giggled. "Well I see future signs of molestation with whips included." Maddie said. And then the punishment scene continues. Little Katan is surprised when Rosiel kisses him on the cheek and says, "You've been a bad boy, Katan." and little Katan screams in surprise. A shout can be heard from outside. "Dear god, what is he DOING to that poor boy!" Rosiel shouts "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!...yet..." "What?" Katan says. "Oh nothing..."

"You don't call that molestation?" Maddie exclaims.

"It was only on my cheek..."

"Well, you could tell it was nearing towards your lips before you freaked out."

"Was not."

"Was to."

"Shut up, I want to see this"

Haley interrupts, clinging to Katan's arm. Suddenly, the past Rosiel says, "I'm sorry I didn't leave you any pants, here, why don't you take yours off and go find them again!"

"Uh, no thanks, I'm ok..."

"Told you." Maddie says.

"Shut up."

"Pedophile." Haley says.

"SHUT UP!"

The scene suddenly skips ahead a couple of years. Rosiel is standing on the edge of the roof, and Katan comes toward him. "I sensed you were crying, Lord Rosiel...are you ok?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Katan, I was just busy crying over my older sister and being the whiny bitch that I am." Rosiel then falls to the ground, sobbing over his WHORE of a sister, and Katan wraps his arm around him.

"Katan...do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Of course, Lord Rosiel."

"THEN KISS ME, NOW!"

"Ummm...I think I left something on...somewhere else...over there...not by you..."

Katan bolts away.

"Damn, and I almost got him that time..."

"Well, I think that was pretty up front." Maddie points out.

"Aww, no kissing!" Haley whines.

"Well, I didn't know he said THAT at the end.."

"What the fuck, and you DIDN'T suspect anything when he asked you to kiss him?" Suddenly, Scooby-Doo music starts playing. -Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you, we got some work to do now! Scooby-Dooby Doo, where are you, we need some help from you now- "...Whoa, what the fuck was that?" Maddie said, as the past visions faded and they were next to the Mystical Magical Couch of Memory Fantasies.

Rosiel walks into the room, finished crying for the moment.

"See, I knew you tried to molest him when he was little". Maddie said.

"PEDOPHILE!" Haley screeched, pointing accusingly at the burnt remains of the curtains.

"Well, it was those damn tiny little shorts they made him wear, they showed off his pretty little legs."

"You were staring at my LEGS!" Katan exclaimed.

"It was those damned shorts, they were just BEGGING to be ripped off!"

"They were not."

(insert childish continuous argument of "they were" and "they weren't," as Haley is in the background yelling "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP")

"You weren't staring at anyone ELSES legs!"

"Well you had the nicest legs, you still do."

"How would you know if you didn't look at anyone else's legs?"

"Well excuse me for being faithful!"

"Well excuse you for being a pedophile!" Haley is still in the background meeping.

"Uh oh, everybody watch out, its the Haley mating call" Maddie said, amusement in her voice.

"ARGUMENT AJOURNED! MUST RUN!" Katan yelled, jumping out the window, Rosiel following. Haley, unaware of the commotion, continues running around in circles "meeping". And, as it is custom, Maddie shoves her in a closet, locks it, and walks away, ignoring once again, her cries for help, and the sounds emitting from outside the house. (A/N Ooo, sexy sounds) "...hello? HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Well, yes, I hope you all enjoyed our version of Katan's past. It may not be as random as the last one, but we tried our best to make it amusing anyway. Uh..whee! Over and out.


	4. Breakfast,the return of Ira, and revenge

Breakfast, the return of Ira, and revenge of the cricket.

Once again, another random insane chapter! Once again, no plot or point, just random craziness off the top of our heads. Its also the result of complete boredom, and lack of lives. Today's inspiration: Cinnamon Krunchers Kellogg's cereal. (A/N why do they spell it with a k?)

Disclaimer: We do not own the Angel Sanctuary characters...again.

From the closest, a voice continued whining. "...Heeeeelllloo? I'm huuuuunggrry!" At that moment, the disheveled pair (Rosiel and Katan) decide to enter.

"You know, I'm hungry too. What's for breakfast?" Rosiel asked cheerfully.

"What am I, your serving wench? Get your own damn breakfast!" Maddie said angrily.

"...I'm going to eat the clothes in here soon if you don't let me out!"

Haley, not knowing that its a make-shift pantry as well, seeing as she is a complete retard, complained. Katan, also not having heard the cries for help goes to see what they have in the pantry/closet. He opens the door only to be attacked by the rabid fan girl.

"I knew you loved me, BIRDYMAN!" She squealed, clinging insanely.

"No I don't, I didn't even know you were in there!"

"No, I'm the one who clings, he's MY Katan!"Rosiel yells, grabbing Katan's other arm. (insert tug of war between the two fan girls -er, I mean and Rosiel) "HE'S MY BIRDYMAN!"

"HIS NAME'S NOT BIRDYMAN AND HE'S MINE!"

"Great, I'm stuck between and overprotective sex fiend, and a rabid fan girl/mental patient thing..." Poor Katan muttered. Meanwhile, Maddie not noticing the commotion, or actually not caring, is raiding the closet/pantry. "All we have to eat is Cinnamon Krunchers, and mini skirts, and I am NOT eating mini skirts." "I don't know, that cereal's pretty gross." Katan pointed out. "If you want to eat my mini skirt, we can do that tonight, for now just eat the cereal." Rosiel said. "I don't want to do EITHER." Katan groaned. "Hey, we should put YOU in a mini skirt, BIRDYMAN!"

(insert struggling scene to get mini skirt on Katan)

"Great, now that I have one of your OBNOXIOUS MINI SKIRTS on, and you refuse to return my PANTS, I guess I have to stick with the mini skirt." Meanwhile, Katan trying to pull the miniskirt down so it doesn't show too much. After that, the cricket chirps and appears again, giving Rosiel the finger and hopping away. "..I didn't even know crickets HAD fingers!" Rosiel exclaimed, as they sat down for breakfast. Poor Katan, sitting next to Rosiel, yelps as Rosiel starts pawing at his almost naked legs. Maddie looks under the table to see what the commotion is about and notices the pawing. "What, he has nice legs!" Rosiel exclaimed, after he gets the accusing stares.

Suddenly, Ira appears, dragging Tony the Tiger behind him. "You HAD to open the cereal box, didn't you? You just HAD to open the cereal." Ira growls, as Tony the tiger is screaming "THEY'RE GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!" Ira hits him over the head.

"Well, excuse me, I didn't know that that tiger would follow you just because we ate breakfast." Maddie said irritably.

"Damn tiger, can smell the thing from a mile away...damn it, I don't even eat cereal! I only drink blood..."

He gives a predatory look at Katan. "And angel blood." Rosiel wraps his arm around Katan protectively, glaring at Ira all the while. Katan says,

"Kill me, PLEASE."

"Noooo, you love us" Rosiel said, nuzzling his neck.

"Oh you just HAD to ruin it by ASKING for death, didn't you?"

Ira said bitterly. And they proceed to eat the nasty cereal.(A/N even though I like it) "They're not nasty, they're GREEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!" The tiger shouts. Even thought nobody actualy said that. "SHUT. THE FUCK. UP." Ira says, as he proceeds to bludgeon him over the head with one of the chairs. Haley snuck her hand under the back of Katan's skirt, and is feeling him in a "place", starting up another fight between herself and Rosiel. Meanwhile, Tony the tiger is laying dead on the ground with chair legs in his head. Maddie looks down at the tiger.

"I hope its not illegal to kill tigers."

"Who cares, it's illegal for me to kill humans, and I've been doing it every night for the past 200 years!" Ira points out. "Plus, it's only illegal in areas where they actually HAVE tigers, not deranged cartoon tigers. Now that I've gotten rid of my life long enemy, I'm heading out to kill more stuff."

But before Ira can leave, Haley grabs his hand and places it on Katan's ass.

"...Why are you putting my hand on the guy's ass?"

"Because its a nice ass, here, go ahead, squeeze it a little."

At that, Ira yelped and takes his hand away. "I'm outta here, you freak!" And Ira disappears.

"Well, at least there's SOMEBODY in here who doesn't want to grab my ass 24/7." And then suddenly Maddie realizes that she's the only one in this fanfic that hasn't grabbed his ass yet, except Tony the Tiger, but he doesn't count. (because we all know he wanted to) So, Maddie being sneakier than Haley, decides she's going to try to outdo her, by totally deskirting him. Quickly, she takes a running leap at him, and knocks him to the ground and pulls his skirt off, along with his "panties".

"...Why were you wearing panties?" Maddie asks.

"...Rosiel made me." Katan mumbles, still face down on the floor.

Haley adds, "Technically you still haven't grabbed his ass, you just deskirted him."

"Oh, fine." Maddie says simply, proceeding with the groping.

"Aw, you're so pretty when you're laying there all vulnerable like that." Rosiel says, as he bent over and licks his ass cheek.

"UNWANTED PHYSICAL CONTACT...AGAIN!" Katan yells. Haley was about to follow Rosiel's lead, when Maddie seized her and duct taped her to the bottom of the table, with Rosiel's help. "MY ass." Rosiel says, helping with the struggling psycho. "Well, technically, its HIS ass." Maddie pointed out once again. "WHATEVER!" Rosiel says, rolling his eyes, as he grabs Katan and "does things" right there on the floor. "I'm getting the video camera."

Maddie said quickly, rushing off to find one.

"Hey, somebody turn the table around, I can't see it! PLEASE! ...heeeelllloooo? Come on, I'm missing good stuff! HEEEELLLLOOOOOOO!" And Maddie, not being that much of a bitch, finally gets the camera and turns the table around. (A/N Ooo, sexy sounds!)

DAMN YOU TONY THE TIGER! ahem Anyway, thats the end of this chapter. A little strange, I know, but come on, you know you liked it. Just admit it! Come on, COME ON. Reviewyness, please!

Oh, and by the by, I GOT RAPED BY TONY THE TIGER AND IT WAS GRRRRREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!


	5. The return of Kirie, and then she goes

The return of Kirie, then she goes away again, because we kill her.

Once again, another story, with all the random crap we can think of. I hope you like randomness! If you don't like it, GET OVER IT. You know you love it, you just don't want to admit it.

Disclaimer: We do not own anyone but Haley, Maddie, and Ira...again.

"...heeeellllloooo? That was sexy! I wanna see it agaaaaaain! Let me off so I can see the tape!" Haley whined, wiggling in her duct tape prison. Maddie sighs, and rips the tape off quickly, and Haley cries out in pain. "Ha ha." Maddie chuckled simply. "...thanks..." grumbled the psychopath. Katan, meanwhile, was trying to find his clothing, embarrassed, and in pain.(A/N We're mean) Rosiel wakes up and stretches, as Maddie and Haley cover their eyes.

"We only want to see Katan do that, thanks." Maddie said, a little disgusted.

"YOU DON'T THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL?" Rosiel said.

"Not particularly, because I'm not a lesbian, like your whore of a sister."

"SHE IS NOT A WHORE!" "Yeah she is, haven't you read the third book?"

Rosiel runs and cries to Katan for more comfort, but discovers he is already occupied by a horny lunatic.

"COME ON, take your shirt off for me, just for a second!" Haley whined, pulling on Katan's arm.

"No, I just got it back on!" Katan said, unsuccessfully trying to push her off. Before Rosiel and Haley get into a fight again, suddenly Kirie breaks through the door!

Maddie stares coldly at her. "You're going to die now, you know that, right?" She states.

"SAVE ME! THEY'RE ALL REALLY HORNY!" Katan pleaded.

"DO YOU KNOW HER? IS SHE SOMEBODY I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT, BIRDYMAN!" Haley screeched, glaring daggers at the bitch. The daggers miss completely, going in the opposite direction. "Katan! I suddenly got too curious and had to ask what the hell was up with that storyline you told me!" Kirie exclaimed, watching the daggers go in the other direction. "...What are you talking about?" Katan asked. "TIME TO GO TO THE MYSTICAL MAGICAL COUCH OF MEMORY FANTASIES!" Haley exclaimed, once again jumping on Katan's back. "AWAAAAAAAYYYY!" He rolls his eyes and walks to the couch, as she's still screaming and throwing her arms around on his back. He sits down on the couch, purposely squishing her, as muffled screams of "AWAYYYY" can still be faintly heard, along with "Ooo, you're pressed against me! Tee hee!" Followed by an ass grab. He squishes her harder. "HARDER, KATAN! HEE HEE!" He shudders and gets up quickly, before being dragged back to the couch by the horny inorganic angel. "You can sit on my lap, Katan!" He purrs in his ear. Katan sighed. Who wasn't trying to get in his pants right now? Or at least get him out of his pants. "Yes, sir..." Haley is suddenly in a train conductor's outfit. "ALL ABOARD THE MYSTICAL MAGICAL COUCH OF MEMORY FANTASIES! WHEEEE! Destination, 28 days ago!" "How do you know that?" Katan asked. "I was stalking you. You look really nice in the shower." Katan's eyes go wide, as the room turns into a big movie like...thingy.

We see Kirie and Katan standing on top of a building, Katan stopping Kirie from attacking Sara Mudo. Katan is heard saying "Lord Rosiel sees no one but himself. No...maybe the one that Lord Rosiel loves, isn't himself at all, but his "other self". You don't understand, so let me give you an easier explanation. Kirie, I am Lord Rosiel's child." As he proceeds to tell her his life story. "GET TO THE PART WITH THE MINI SHORTS ALREADY!" Haley shouts, only to be elbowed by Maddie. After the whole flashback is over, Katan said "So let me put it another way...you cannot kill Sara Mudo." Kirie looks confused, and the mystical magical event ended and they were sitting on the couch again. (With Katan sitting on Rosiel's lap, and Kirie giving him a jealous glare) Everyone was quiet for a minute. "...WHAT THE FUCK? You started out talking about Rosiel's whore of a sister, then you tell her your life story, and then you claim those are your reasons why she can't kill Sara Mudo! WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SARA MUDO, SHE WASN'T EVEN MENTIONED!" Maddie screeched. "I know! It makes no sense! That's why I came back to ask that, I couldn't figure it out!" Kirie replied. "Well, I would say it was because you were stupid, but that really made no sense. Katan?" "Well...I was lonely, and she actually listened to me, and it just sort of came to mind." Katan answered sheepishly. "Aww, Birdyman I'll listen to you!" Haley exclaimed, clinging to his arm. "Yeah, probably while your groping my ass" Katan grumbled back. "Well I'd be listening! kinda..." "Well, you do have a nice ass." Kirie added. Everyone looks up, surprised. "Well why do you think I didn't ask him about his strange storyline then? I was too busy staring at him!" She exclaimed. "HURRAY FOR KATAN OGLING!" Haley squealed. "Ok. It's time for you to die." Maddie said bluntly. "...what?" Kirie began. Maddie then viciously attacks her, ripping her to pieces and throwing her disembodied pieces all over the room. "...Now what?" Haley said, staring at the bloody remains. "Hold on, I'm thinking!" Maddie said, doing more imaginary beard stroking, smearing blood on her porcelain face. Everyone was silent. A small cough was heard.

Then Maddie says, "Hey, you haven't been locked in a room or flying through the air or stuck to something yet. We gotta do something about that. Maybe we should nail her head to the wall?" She says, taking out a giant nail gun. "No, we should do this instead." Katan said, pulling out a bottle of glue, and pours it over the psycho's head, and sticks her to the ceiling. "Hey, lets throw food at her, too!" Maddie exclaimed suddenly. So they all threw food at her, and walked away, as she called out "...heeeeeellllllloooooo? heeellloo! I HAVE GUM IN MY HAIR! hello!"

Thank you Kirie for helping us have something to write about. And thank you for dying. Yes, I know it was completely random. P.S. Chino from the Deftones has a SEXY VOICE. Thank you, over and out!


	6. Mmm Banana

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Angel Sanctuary characters, if you didn't figure that out with the first five chapters.

"...helllllllllllllllllllloooo... HELLO! Any body there, it's pulling my hair!" Finally the glue wears off, and Haley falls to the floor with a 'flop', leaving a large chunk of hair in her wake. "Well, I guess the glue finally wore off then, huh?" Maddie says, a bit disappointed. "Great. now she's going to try and grope me again, and Sir Rosiel is not here to stop the inevitable." (A/N I don't know where he went) Katan says. "But first, I want revenge." Haley says, pulling out a banana. "What the hell are you going to do with a banana? And isn't revenge something that I would do, you don't seem like that sort of person, or whatever the hell you are." Maddie says. "But Maddie's the one that that said to throw food at you, not me." "But I've always wanted to do this." she whined. With that she unpeeled the banana and smeared it all over his face, saying, "Mmmm banana." (A/N from Maddie: I did that to my friend at lunch one day, thats where I got the idea) At that moment, Rosiel walks in and says, "That wasn't a banana, was it?"

"Why?"

"HES ALLERGIC TO BANANAS!"

"Since when am I allergic to bananas?" Katan says before promptly passing out on the dirty floor of the church. FLUMP! (A/N I don't know what sort of reaction that is, but this is fiction, it'll work. Oh, and "FLUMP" was the sound of him falling) "So how do we go about waking him up?" Haley asked. "Who said anything about waking him up?" Maddie retorts. All three slowly look up at each other.

(insert battle for Katan here)

About an hour later, Katan wakes up in extreme discomfort, face down on Rosiel's mattress. "Why is it that when ever something bad happens, it always gets worse for me?" Then, because this is our parody, the sweet, lime-ish tender moment was interrupted by soft "awwws" coming from that shadowy corners of the room. At that, Haley tackles the bed, jarring the other two slightly. Maddie saunters over to the bed. "Next time, make it a little more kinky, with biting and blood drinking, and hand cuffs, oh, and lots of painful shouts, I like painful shouts, and..." She is cut off by a nervous looking Katan, saying, "Shut up before he gets any ideas! Its bad enough that he does it while I'm incapacitated, but if he does all of that while I'm awake, well that would just suck." Maddie just snickers. "No, but you would." "Will you two go away, we're trying to have an intimate moment here, and you two are messing it up, a lot." Rosiel complained. "Don't worry, it wasn't working. I was just about to turn over, ignore you and go to sleep. Even if you're asleep, sex wears you out." Katan muttered, doing exactly what he said he planned to do, only then realizing that Haley was right next to him, and ended up face to face with her. "Hi BIRDYMAN. You two have really entertaining sex, did you know that?" she said, clinging to him. "See, when ever things get bad, it always gets worse for me. I'm stuck between a horny fan girl and that male equivalent to one." Rosiel starts to try to shove Haley off HIS Katan, but being that his Katan is in the way, its a pretty hard task. (A/N pretty like Katan )

(insert struggle here)

Eventually, Haley and Katan both end up on the floor, and before Rosiel could drag him back on the bed so he couldn't get away or Haley got to him, she licked his cheek and said, "You taste like yum." Maddie, then licks his cheek and said "Yuck, you taste like semen and Haley spit." (A/N No, I don't know what that tastes like) At that moment, Ira chooses to reveal him self by saying, "Regardless of what his cheeks taste like, I bet his blood tastes good, angel blood always does." And with lightning fast speed, he runs up and sinks his teeth into his neck. After about three and a half minutes, not draining Katan completely, but barely conscience, afterwards, letting him drop to the bed. "Hm, not bad, not bad at all..." He murmured, satisfied. Rosiel, being a bit on the over protective side (A/N Like Haley's ass hole dad...) Put both hands to the side of his face and said,

"What have you done to my Katan!"

"Well, I drained him of blood, jack ass, what do you think?"

"YOU KILLED HIM I HATE YOU!"

"First off, oh, I'm so upset, you hate me. Next, if you took the time to look, you'd see that he is still quite alive, just not quite awake." Rosiel then grabs Katan and, probably suffocating him, and hugs him really hard. "I thought that he killed you I so glad your alive!" He almost sobbed. They just roll their eyes at the sickeningly sweet sight. "Right, hey, is this almost over, I have places to be and... appointments, you could say, to keep." Said Ira. "One moment, we have to think of something to do to Haley." Ira moans, "Can't you just let me kill her and get this damn chapter over with, only one tiny part had to do with a banana anyways!" "But if Haley didn't do the banana thing, then this part would not have happened." Maddie points out. "Then I would not have to waste my time on this lame fanfic." "You're my imaginary vampire and you'll do as I say.""I'll do as I want. Our relationship is not like theirs." He says, making an off hand gesture to Katan and Rosiel. "Well, I see the logic in that, but you can't leave just yet, we need to stick Haley to something." Ira sighs, picks up Haley, and casually throws her out the window. (A/N This is now a two story church) Her shirt is stuck on a protruding gutter. "Now that that's over, can I go now?" Ira inquires. "Fine, you are dismissed." With that Ira promptly leaves. And everyone but Haley and Ira go back to sleep. The faint cries of "...hellllo... Hello... I have to go to the bathroom." Are heard.

This entire chapter was completely written by Maddie. I, Haley, only really helped with the spelling. I was going to leave it, to be a bitch, but I realized no one would be able to understand it then. So I was nice and went over it. Ok then, ta! Mddie: What can I say, I have a thing for vampires.


	7. Umm Yeah

Yeah, this one is extremely random. If it doesn't amuse you, then take this! (Cricket appears, giving you the finger.) Oh yeah, what do you have to say to that? Huh? Disclaimer: Once again, we do NOT own any of the Angel Sanctuary characters...Deal with it. If we owned Angel Sanctuary, there would be a LOT more gay sex in it. (Guy sex, of course, most likely between Katan and Rosiel...duh)

"...hellllllllllllloo? Hello, I really have to go to the bathroom now guys!" Haley whined. But for some reason, her words came out in a long word bubble. "...ooooo..." She muttered in fascination, as she reached out and tried to touch the bubble, the gutter she was hanging from shaking dangerously. "SHUT UP!" Maddie screeched from inside, a word bubble also forming her words. The bubble floated over and whacked Haley hard over the head. "Ow!" She yelled, as her cry of pain flew up into the air. The gutter then bent, and she slid off, slamming hard into the ground below, only to have her "ow" word bubble fall and whack her on the head once more. "Ooo, that could be useful..." Maddie said, smiling, as those words also fell onto the already half-unconscious mental patient. At that point, Katan suddenly awoke and said groggily, "Maddie, Ira is a bitch." Rosiel leans up again, grabbing Katan and pulling him down again, trying to get on top of him and make out with him. "Oh, come on, stop!" And, conveniently (A/N For Katan, not for us, we're quite pissed about that...damned word bubbles...AND THE YU-GI-OH! GAH!) the bubbles knock Rosiel over the head. Rosiel slaps Katan all girly style. "Well, better slapped than kissed..." Katan mumbled under his breath; but not mumbly enough, apparently, because Rosiel heard and said, " Oh come on, it isn't that bad...WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!" " I do love you, but not in that way...YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FATHER, MAN! IT'S NOT RIGHT!" He puts his hands over his eyes. "ITS. NOT. RIGHT!" They're conversation is interrupted by the sounds of firecrackers exploding.

Maddie was throwing fireworks down at the psychopath, who was running in circles. "Ha ha ha ha!" Maddie laughed evilly, throwing many at a time as Haley, in her screaming horror, slammed into the side of the building. "You know, she could have run farther away instead of running in circles in your throwing range..." Katan said, apparently managed to escape from the clutches of the horny fan...thingy. (What the fuck IS Rosiel, anyway?) "Eh, whatever...it's funny." They all nod, including Haley, who was suddenly next to them again. They stare at her. "Dot dot dot...what Question mark?" "Well, at first we were wondering how you got here so quickly, but now we're wondering why your saying your punctuation." Maddie said. "Dot dot dot...wait, what? Question mark?" Maddie shakes her head. "Just...just never mind, shut the hell up."

But Haley wasn't listening. She was repeatedly beating Rosiel with a gift wrap tube. "STOP THAT!" Rosiel screeched. "NO!" Rosiel starts running away as Haley chases after him, continuously hitting him with the tube.(A/N Maddie: she did this to my mom once, but she was just tapping her, we thought it was funny, but after the first twenty minuets of it, she sort of got annoyed.) "KATAN! MAKE HER STOP!" But Katan was already gone. They heard muffled sounds coming from the basement, and when they went down they discovered their sexy cherub chained to the wall naked, and sharp implements and whips with a gag and a terrified look on his face.

Maddie was standing next to him, whip ready in the air. "...What? You guys know I like it kinky!" "THAT'S MY BIRDYMAN!" Haley dove at Maddie, Rosiel following. After a big cloud of smoke and limbs flying out from it, Maddie stood, victorious. She smirked, and is about to continue her torture and Katan looking horrified, when suddenly...

We were back upstairs. "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" Maddie screamed hysterically, finally having had her chance to do naughty things to Katan. After lots of imaginary beard stroking, Katan just muttered, "Freaking Sadists..." "

HEY! GUESS WHAT?" Haley exclaimed, throwing herself at Katan and sitting on his shoulders. "WE'RE GOING TO THE MYSTICAL MAGICAL COUCH OF FUTURE FANTASIES!"

"...I thought it was the Mystical magical couch of memory fantasies?" Katan queried.

"No, this is the couch across from that couch." Maddie says.

"...Why have I never noticed that couch before?" Katan asked, as Haley starts jerking around on his shoulder, and throwing her hands around in the air. "AWAAAAAY!" They go to sit on the couch, Katan trying to pull Haley off of him. As soon as he is able to, Rosiel pulls him onto his lap and beams, and Haley latches onto his arm. He sighs, before the "Future flashback" starts.

Rosiel is seen being attacked by Dobiel. Katan suddenly appears, thwarting the attack and sending it on Dobiel. (Or something like that, the book wasn't very clear) Katan is hovering above Rosiel, having saved his sorry ass. But, also, Katan seemed to be naked. His hair had grown longer, too. (A/N Which is quite sexy, by the way, for those of you who haven't seen it yet. He also always seems to have a heroine addict expression on his face for 5 pages. Whatever, he was naked!) Haley screams in fangirlish delight, and Maddie screams "FINALLY! We get to see a full frontal nudity picture!" Katan blushing. The future Katan asks if Rosiel is hurt, and Rosiel flips him, so he's on top, and starts groping him. "Yes, I'm fine Katan..."-Grope grope- "OOO! I can't wait for THAT to happen!" The future Rosiel squeals in delight. "Yeah, no kidding!" Maddie says. Haley nodding in agreement. Poor Katan, still sitting on Rosiel's lap, can feel his master's arousal, suddenly paling from his embarrassed red, to a horrified white.

After the grope fest, Rosiel suddenly asks, as expected, "...Am I beautiful?" The present Katan, feeling a bit bolder, coughs harshly while adding "NO!" in between the coughs. Rosiel is too caught up to notice, while the other two snicker. The future Katan, however, still being in the effects of that damned pill, replies..."Yes, blah blah blah" (A/N Hey, we were too busy staring at his nudity to bother reading what he actually said!) Suddenly Rosiel throws himself at Katan, pleading him to tell him he's beautiful, and seemingly having orgasms. "Damn it, can't Katan moan like that?" Maddie muttered. "Yeah, that's a great idea!" Rosiel exclaims cheerfully, starting to grope the present day Katan. The only sound Katan makes, unfortunately for us, was a little "eep!" and a struggle to get away. In the future world, however, Katan is telling Rosiel how beautiful he is, and Rosiel is screaming "MORE MORE! YOU DIRTY FOX, MORE!" "God damn it, Rosiel, CHILL man! Stop having fucking orgasms!" Maddie says angrily. "I can't help it, I love it when people call me beautiful!" "YOU'RE NOT FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CHICK!" Rosiel starts bawling like the whiny bitch that he is. "KATAN! Tell me I'm beautiful!" Katan glances quickly back at the scene that is still playing, with Rosiel on top of the future Katan again, and he wasn't just groping that time. "Um..." He hesitates. "DO IT!" Rosiel screams at him. Haley is drooling a lake over the scene still playing. Katan sighs. "Fine, you're...beautiful..." Rosiel squeals in glee, and they turn back to the scene still playing. Apparently the future Katan is screaming "OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" over and over with each thrust from Rosiel. Haley and Maddie cling to each other, screaming in fangirlish delight, as the present day Rosiel laughs manically. "I KNEW I'd get to you someday!" Katan looks horrified and shocked, and hides his face in his hands. (A/N Sorry if we just kinda trail off, we're just imaging that scene...we know you are, too.)

Dobiel, only half alive, was laying next to the screwing couple the whole time. "...They're insane!" He exclaims. But he knew he liked it, too. Rosiel suddenly looks over. "Oh, Dobiel, you're still there. Wait, hold on, give me a second." Rosiel "finishes his job" and stands up again, but is soon wrapping his arms around Katan again, clinging. "...More than Sevotharte...more than death...I am afraid of these freaks!" Dobiel thinks to himself. But he so liked it. It was totally obvious. (A/N Yeah, mister tight pants!) So then, Rosiel offers Dobiel life, and stuff happens, no more gay sex...damn. Fuck, nobody cares about the rest of that, anyway. The scene ends, and they are back on the Mystical magical couch of future fantasies.

Maddie starts walking around the room. "WALKING it off...walking it off..." "...Whats that supposed to mean?" Rosiel asked, clinging to the still petrified Katan. "You don't want to know." Haley said, staring at them intently. "Well, anyway...Why don't you scream like that for me now?" Rosiel exclaims sadly, still clinging tightly. "Honestly, I don't know why I was screaming like that then." He said, trying to wiggle away from him. Maddie says, (still walking it off) "Well, at least now we're prepared for the future with a video camera. God knows when we're gonna want to see that again. And who knew you were such a screamer." Katan stands up, sighs and goes deep into thought, trying to find a way to avoid the future situation and stimulation.

While he's thinking, and the girls are walking it off, Rosiel stands up and slowly reaches a hand out towards his ass. When the hand gets closer, Katan suddenly looks at him. "...What are you doing?" Rosiel quickly pulls his hand back. "Nothing..." Katan shakes his head slightly and continues thinking. Rosiel slowly reaches his hand out again, edging closer to Katan's ass. He gets closer this time, when Katan suddenly looks at him again. "Hey, that time I know you're doing something!" Rosiel quickly pulls back again. "WAS NOT!" Katan slaps his forehead, and ignores him. Rosiel waited a little longer this time, and reached out again. He got to the point of touching, when Katan whirled around at him and shouted "STOP IT!" sending the surprised Rosiel into a little heap on the ground.

Haley suddenly flies out of nowhere and knocks Katan over, groping his ass. "See Rosiel, its much easier that way." Rosiel, extremely pissed that she got a few more seconds of ass then him, grabs Haley and stuffs her in between the couch cushions and the back of the couch, wedging her tightly in, with a victorious shout of, "MY ass!" And the customary "Well technically, its HIS ass" from Maddie. "WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?" Maddie walks over and knocks Rosiel on the head. An echo can be heard. "I'm going to beat that into your little brain if it's the last thing I do."

"STOP CALLING ME STUPID!"

"Technically, I'm not calling you stupid, I'm just calling your brain tiny."

"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!"

"Well technically, I wasn't making fun of you, just stating the obvious." She says haughtily. Rosiel grabs at his head, falling to the ground. "NYEEEEH! STOP! KATAAAAAAN!" Katan, trying to hold back his laughter, says "I can't help that she's smarter than you, Lord Rosiel." Rosiel starts sobbing and runs into his room. Maddie's eyes dart back and forth, and she suddenly smiles wickedly and pulls out the whip again, and starts to drag Katan back to the basement for more torture. "Aw, hell..." Katan groans, wondering if he shouldn't have made his lord run away crying like a three year old. Muffled cries are heard from the couch. "Heeeeeellllooooooooo! HELLO! I need to change my panties! HELLLOOOOOOOOO!" Maddie shouts from downstairs "Yeah, I should change my boxers too..." A crack is heard, and yelp from Katan follows. "SCREAM LOUDER, BITCH!" "THATS MY BIRDYMAN! LET ME OUT! HELLLLOOOOOOO"

Haley: Yeah. That's it. Yeah, you heard me bitch. Fear our crazyness. Or just get totally turned on by our crazy ideas. Whatever you want. So yeah. Peace out, homie! O.o Maddie: Please don't say homie.


	8. Sleeping Makeover

It had gotten late, and Haley had given up struggling and was asleep in an awkward position in the couch cushions. And Maddie, after having had her fun, decided on another devious plot. She snuck up behind Haley's resting spot and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her violently. Haley kept sleeping, unfazed by the tremors. She started mumbling, "Mmm, Birdyman, sticks, geese…….kinky….."

"God damn it Haley, stop having wet dreams about Katan!"

Katan happens to overhear that. "Eeeew……wait, _geese?_ Oh god, I feel so violated…"

"So what, you're hanging around us." Maddie stated simply.

"Good point."

"Yeah, just ask my friends, I always make good points."

"You have friends?"

"Yes, shut up, of course I don't sit around on my ass all day reading sexy fanfics about you getting raped by other guys-I mean….um…working in my….garden. Yeah. And Allison doesn't like to hear about my sick fetishes-I mean, my garden work." Suddenly, Allison appeared. (A/N she is a lesbian , so that would explain why she is not into yaoi. But she is still one of out bestest friends. We see who can grose eachother out the most.)"Leave me out of this" She said before randomly disappearing again.

"Whoa, you really do have friends."

"Yes, now shut up before I sick Haley on you again with the tongs"

"Oh god, not the tongs!"

By hearing the word "tongs," Haley awakens with a start, and wiggles around in her cushion prison. Maddie sighs and says while pulling Haley out, "Haley, get your fat ass out of the couch!"

"Whhaaaaat?" She groans. "I was dreaming about sexy Birdymaaaan!" "Yeah, we heard. Now come on, we need to go draw mean things on Rosiel's face." She pulls a red permanent marker out of her pocket. "With this red permanent marker." (A/N I copy and pasted the "red permanent marker" thing. Ah, so much effort saved) "Come on, Katan, you know you want to. Don't you want to get him back for molesting you all those times?" "Well…yeah…."

So we all sneak into Rosiel's room, where we find Rosiel snoring like a dying giraffe. (A/N We don't know how a dying giraffe sounds, but we're assuming it sounds like Rosiel. If you have any audio feed of one, please send it to us) We crowd around him to see him sprawled out on the bed with a face mask on, mouth open and snoring (as we said before) like a dying giraffe. "Wow, sounds like Animal Planet had a train wreck in here!" Katan exclaims, looking a bit surprised. "You slept with him before, didn't you?" Maddie asked. "And you had lots of gay sex, right!" Haley asked excitedly. Katan just glared at Haley before responding to Maddie's question. " Yeah, but I was never _awake_ to hear it, and to answer Haley's question, it was forced." **Warning for implied rape. Mmmm…kinky…..**

Suddenly, Rosiel stopped snoring his horrific dying giraffe call and mumbled, "Mmm, Katan, sticks, geese…….kinky…." (A/N See, I copy and pasted that from Haley's saying before! So much more effort saved. Though I just wasted it writing this note.) "What is this obsession with me, sticks, and geese? I'm so confused! He doesn't _need _a stick!" "Maybe he was insecure with his own _size_, so he wanted to include sticks." Maddie pointed out. "Ow!" He winced. "Ooo, sexy!" Haley squealed. "How does he _sleep _through that?" Katan asked. "Whatever, lets just start drawing." Maddie continues cautiously closer (A/N Tongue twister! Sweeet.) holding her marker high above her head, as if she was about to stab him with a knife. "Oh, come on, stop being so dramatic and start drawing." Haley said, rolling her eyes. Somehow she had managed to cling back to Katan again, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. "Mmm, you smell nice." she said, snuggling closer. (If its possible) "Haley, stop straddling him and help me draw!" "Yeah, get this thing off me" He said, staring down in disgust. "Come on Haley, I have a lemonade popsicle!" Maddie called, patting her knees as if calling a dog. Haley perked up and zipped over to Maddie. She grabs it and licks it cheerfully. "Mmm, lemony…." "Yeah, you know what she's going to do with that?" Maddie said, laughing slightly. Katan puts his hands over his ass and backs into a corner. "Ok guys, if we don't put our differences and strange sexual fetishes to the side, we'll never get this done." So once again, they crowd around and Maddie actually starts to draw. She draws a French pirate goatee and mustache, and draws an arrow to his mouth that says "Filthy cum receptacle". Then they all join in, drawing random things and snickering. And then, for the final touches, Maddie pulls out the scissors and green hair gel. (Can you guess where this is going?) Rosiel suddenly squirmed and started to wake up. They all back up, snickering.

Rosiel stumbles out of bed sleepily and staggers into the bathroom. An ear splitting scream is heard. Seeing "Incest is good" on his forehead, "filthy cum receptacle" by his mouth, "smelly" on his cheek, and "I heart hentai" on the other cheek, and noticing his new spiky green Mohawk made him freak out even more. He stomps out and glares daggers at them, which happen to go the opposite direction. "You have really bad aim." Maddie said casually. "That is _not_ the point!" Rosiel cried, fuming. "Look what you did to my beautiful face! Who is responsible for this?" They all hide markers behind their backs. "Katan, you were included in this too?" "Well, yeah, it was pretty fun……_revenge_…." (Hey, we put major OC on the summary) "They've _corrupted_ you, my dear Katan!" "Actually, _you _corrupted him first, you're the one who kept anally raping him. Well, we do too, but you did it first. And we use sticks." Maddie says, pointing out the obvious. "Well, first come first serve. Sloppy seconds for you!" Rosiel said haughtily. "And what am I going to do about my _face?_" "Dump nail polish remover on your face, that'll get it off." "Ok!" Rosiel says, bounding into the bathroom to get some. "Figures. The highest angel is the biggest cross dresser the world has ever seen. And the stupidest." A few seconds later, Rosiel runs out screaming. "AHHHHH! I GOT IT IN MY EYES!" He starts rolling on the floor in agony. "I can't believe he fell for the nail remover polish thing." Maddie says laughing. "Let's kick him!" Haley squeals excitedly. Maddie nods and they begin to kick Rosiel repeatedly. "Katan, help me!" Rosiel wailed. "I'm just gonna stay out of this…this is bad karma." He said, backing out. "I think we should go to therapy." Maddie says, observing the strange scene. "But, before we do that..." Maddie walks over toward Haley and puts her in a really big garbage can and puts something heavy on it so she can't get out. "Hey, it smells bad in here, hello? Hellooooooooooooo?"

**Dun dun duuuunnnn! To be continued….**

We hadn't written a story for so long, and we had so many ideas to sort through. We are going to try and write the next one soon. Now we are going to go work on our Katan shrine in Maddie's closet. Bye!


	9. A Harry Potter Mix Up

La la la….The Birthday Massacre! Yeah, here's another fabulous chapter. If you don't like it, then TOO DAMNED BAD. Plus, we're writing this for our own enjoyment, not yours. We love our fans. :heart: And if you have managed to make it this far into it, you must like it.

Haley can still be heard banging on the trash can. "Where'd Birdyman gooooo? Why isn't he in this dark cramped space with me? Hellooooooo?" "…Isn't that kinda obvious?" Maddie said, rolling her eyes. Rosiel looks curiously at Maddie's remaining word bubble from last chapter, claiming they need therapy. "…What's therapy?" Rosiel said, poking the bubble. "Its where you go to this over-paid guy and talk to him about your disgusting freaky hentai obsessions. Or something like that. I mean, that's what I've always gone there for." Maddie said simply. Katan shouts across the room, "Yeah, you guys really need that!" "Can I have Birdyman nooow?" Haley called from the garbage can, having knocked it over and rolling it around, slamming into walls and furniture occasionally. Everyone just kinda watches her roll around for a bit, until she finally runs into Katan. "My Birdyman senses are tingling!" she screeches, breaking through the can using her special ed powers and attacking Katan. Rosiel then, of course, attacks Haley as well and starts screaming at her, as they get in a bitch slap fight. An ear splitting scream is heard, as Rosiel suddenly stops, and with a horrified expression exclaims, "OMG OMG! I BROKE A NAIL!" He then falls on the ground sobbing. "Ha ham ham!" (A/N Maddie: Haley you retard! Change that back! I wouldn't say that!) (Fine….)

"Ha ha ha! That's why I always have nail polish on, 'cause then they never break. And I sharpen them and get them all pointy-like." Maddie then rakes her nails across Rosiel's face, making him bleed and cry about his ruined face. (Which was ruined in the first place, in our not so humble opinion….) Maddie takes a tissue and gingerly wipes the blood and bits of flesh off of her nails. "This blood's no good, too tainted for my taste. Unlike yours, Katan…" She smirks over at him. "But I would never ruin _your _perfect face, no matter how tempting your blood…" Katan backs away slowly. "Umm….ok then….glad to hear it?" Hides behind a couch, and unfortunately Haley is of course behind there already. "I got you again!" She touches Katan in his "naughty place". "Damn! How do you keep just _appearing _ places randomly?" "'Cause I wuuuv you, my siwwy wittle Birdyman" She said, cuddling him close. Everyone stares at her. "….What the fuck?" Maddie shakes her head, and then….stuff. Whatever. "Can we _please _go to therapy now? I'm getting sick of this.." He continued to try and pull Haley off of his leg. "Alright, fine…" Maddie snaps her fingers, and they're inside the building and apparently already have an appointment and such.

"Holy shit, there's a Mystical Magical Couch of Memory Fantasies!" Maddie said, surprised. "..How do you know that's one of them?" Ira asks, somehow appearing there without anyone noticing before. "Because of this big sign that says so." Maddie says, pointing at it as a janitor walks by and places he sign there, it reas: "Holy shit, there's a Mystical Magical Couch of Memory Fantasies!" (Yes, we copy and pasted that as well! ) They then all simultaneously sit on the couch.

Someone coughs. Crickets chirp, and give Rosiel the finger again. Rosiel tries to flick it back off, but first puts up a pinky, then a ring finger and a thumb, and as he's fumbling around with that the crickets leave, calling "LOSER" behind their crickety backs.

Well anyway, the flashback starts, and shows Katan standing on the edge of the building, as he's using magic to bring Rosiel back again. As he starts to conjure the magic things, a strange mark appears on his forehead, looking similar to a lightning bolt. (Can you see where this is going?) Suddenly, a voice calls out in an English accent. "Harry Potter, THERE you are!" Katan stops and turns around. "Uh…what? Who's Harry Potter?" Ron Weasly flies over to Katan on a broomstick. "Me and Hermione have been looking for you everywhere! Come on, our next semester of Hogwarts is about to start!" "What the hell kind of name is Hoggwargts? What kind of drunk bastard came up with that? It sounds so unsanitary!" "OMG! Harry! You must have been brain washed by Lord Voldemort!" Lightning strikes in the background. "We better get you back to Dumbledore on the double!" "What the HELL are you talking about? Why are you on a broomstick? Why are you so thick headed?" Ron ignores his questions and drags him onto the broomstick (Not the first time he was dragged onto a stick) and flew him to Hogwarts.

Upon arrival, Hermione saw them and rushed over. "Ron! You found Harry? Wow, he looks a lot sexier! What happened?" "Well duh Hermione, he got his hair dyed silver and got colored contacts, and a growth spurt!" Ron explained, acting as it was the most obvious thing like ever and stuff. "But Lord Vowdemort bwain wasted him with his marijuana of doom!" (Maddie: Haley, I thought I said use an _English_ accent, not a speech impediment!) "But Lord Voldemort brain wasted him with his marijuana of doom!" (That's better!) "Oh no! We better get him to Dumbledore right away!" "Wait, but I'm not…!" They then hit him over the head with their broomsticks and dragged him away.

When they get to Dumbledore's, they tell him what happened to "Harry". Knowing that that person obviously wasn't Harry Potter, Dumbledore told them, "Um, just tie him to a bed in my room or something, I'll _deal _with him later…heh…**_bow_** **_chicka wow wow_**. Ron and the girl with the long name I don't want to type though I typed this instead and it was longer, but anyway, they tied him to the bed and left or whatever. Fortunately for Katan and us, Dumbledore had to go away and do something, giving Katan a chance to get away. (Trust me, nobody wanted to see an old guy do him, eew.) Katan then returned to what he was doing, trying rather to forget the ordeal and continue with the resurrection of the icky thingy.

Flashback ends

"…Whoa, you never told me that happened." Rosiel said. "Well, I was _trying _to forget it, but then it was all like _whoa_ in my face again." "Ha ha, you almost got molested by an old guy." Ira said laughing a bit. "When the hell are we actually going to get therapy?" Maddie said, suddenly quite pissed off. "I dunno, probly next chapter..." Haley said, dancing in circles. (A/N She did that one time in Allison's basement like all night after we watched Velvet Gold Mine. Only it was more of an interpretative dance, and she was using this fake snobby attitude, it was funny. And then I threw stuff at her. By the by, I never miss.)

Just for the tradition, Maddie shoves her in the cash register at the front desk and sits in one of the chairs, waiting for them to be called.

"Helloooo? Theres green stuff in here, I think its mold! And there's shiny stuff in here too! Ooooh, shiny!" "Ooh, where's the shiny?" Rosiel exclaims. Maddie just rolls her eyes, and waits for the next chapter.

Yup. We still haven't actually gotten to the actual therapy, but we promise we will next chapter! And there will be some good _fun _stuff in there, as well, heh heh….Still lots of more good ideas! Toodles:heart:


	10. Blame the Juicy Goodness

Rosiel is seen banging on the cash register , trying to get the shiny things and doesn't realize Haley's in there because he's a dumb ass and has the attention span of a bologna sandwich named Franklin ('Cause everyone knows that bologna is for retards), and finally he breaks it open as shiny things and Haley fly out. Haley then suddenly grabs a few of the coins and tries to put them in Katan's "naughty spot". "Wait! That's not a coin slot!" Katan shouts, as Rosiel replies, "Well, not from my experience." -Evil grin-

Maddie then pulls out a book called "Dialogs with the Devil" and Katan asked what its about. Maddie goes into an explanation about how (A/N disregard anything about "Angel Sanctuary" ) it's about an on going argument with Lucifer and Michael through letters. Lucifer doesn't hate god, and is sad that man it unworthy of God's love, and that they taint their 'father'. Michael had the opposite end if the argument, saying that God is right, and that Lucifer should give man a chance, and so on. After that, Katan and Maddie go into a heated conversation about philosophy and the whole subject on the book and who is right . Haley and Rosiel are seen with their heads cocked to the sides, drool pooling at the ends of their mouths.

(This is our friend Erin's ideas mixed with ours, we're exchanging ideas live via phone!)

All of a sudden, lightning crashes, a wolf can be heard howling in the distance, as rain begins to pound outside. The doorknob begins rattling ominously, (even though these places have those push doors.) before the door swings back, clattering against the wall, and then bouncing back and hitting the person who is entering in the face. Erin stumbles through the door, on her hands and knees, muttering, "There goes my dramatic entrance." Maddie nonchalantly turns a page, and can be heard mumbling, "That must be Erin and Stephan." "So Maddie, it appears that you are once again reading literature to baffle the minds of the intellectually impaired." Maddie then replies, "And once again you appear to be ruining your dramatic entrances." Erin then kicks the door, and grumbles "It was the door's damn fault!" She stubs her toe against the door, as Stephan saunters into the room, shock collar around his neck. He then spots Ira and cries out, "What the fuck are you doing here?" And then Ira, being his smartass self, says "Hm, counselor office. _Probably_ the same thing you're doing in here." Stephan then replies in shock, "You tried to rape Axle from Kingdom Hearts as well?" Ira replies, "No, I just get deeply, mentally disturbed from following a group of rapists around for lack of something interesting to do." "Ah."

Rosiel looks back and forth between the two of them, and says, "Whoa, Ira do you have a mirror in front of you? I should so learn to do that." "Who's the imbecile?" Stephan inquires idly to Ira. "I don't know, I rarely acknowledge his existence anyways." Stephan's eyes flicker to the other room's occupants. "Anyone care to enlighten me?" "He's a stupid monkey head who's trying to steal Birdyman!" Haley cries out childishly, pouting towards Rosiel. "I made him." Rosiel replied irritably.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah"

"Well…..your face!"

"What about it?"

"Your face is stupid and ugly, and smelly!"

"Nuh-uh!"

They then start having a sissy slap fight. Stephan looks over to Ira. "So this is what you're life has been like, dear brother?" "Yeah, basically, aside from having to take all the blame when Maddie breaks something." Erin inquires, "Does that include breaking Katan's ass?" "No, I do that myself." Maddie says smugly.

As Erin starts to say something because she's feels ignored, the counselor walks out, and he is _very_ sexy. Stephan begins drooling profusely, as Ira pushes his jaw back up. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?" "Non, I have not." Stephan replies, smirking. And for a moment, the counselor and Stephan just stand there eye groping each other. The counselor was fairly tall, around 6'0, with waist length, dark red, wavy hair, and violet eyes. They all enter the counselor's office, Stephan still looking him over, as they all sit in a happy little circle. The counselor looks around, beaming, and then asks the dreaded question, "Now, why are we all here?"

(A/N Oh, and if you haven't noticed by now Stephan is Ira's older twin brother. Even though I made Ira up a few years before Stephan. It just tuned out that Erin made one up, based off of Lestat as well, only Ira is Lestat's more dry, cynical side, where Stephan is Lestat's, erm… funny gay side. And I don't mean gay as in happy.)

A cacophony of voices was heard blurting out various reasons for being there. Maddie can then be heard yelling out, "CHANGE POSITIONS!" As everyone shuffles their seats, Stephan chooses to sit in the therapist's lap, as the therapist chooses not to mind and instead decides to play with his pretty, curly blonde hair. Haley suddenly cries out, "He's trying to steal my Birdyman!" as she clings to Katan's arm, nuzzling it lovingly as he tries to shake her off. Rosiel then yells "I made him!" As they then repeat the argument they had before, using the exact same words, Katan then tries to sneak out the door as Maddie pulls him back quickly. ('Cause she's a ninja!) The counselor continues to write notes around Stephan, as his eyes move shiftily about. "Ok, now, settle down."

The counselor says, overly cheerful. "Now we'll go around the circle, and everyone can tell what their worst personality trait is. Alright Ira, you start." "Well, I put up with you people, and I'm related to him." Ira says, pointing to Stephan as he pouts. The it was Maddie's turn. "Well, I'm very hypocritical, and no one can be so but me, I'm strange, ominous, and charmingly cynical, overly sarcastic, a jaded bitch who knows everything, and that's about it. And I'm related to her." She points to Haley, who grins stupidly. Erin then speaks up, "I'm extremely sarcastic, I tend to have a sick mind, and I either over think or under think everything, and yeah. I also have to have things explained very clearly for me to understand." Haley suddenly shouts out, waving her hands around and bouncing in her seat. "HiI'mHaleyandIrapehotanimeguyswithstickshi!" "Idiotic and delusional." Maddie says helpfully. "Ah, thank you." the counselor replies. "I'm overly dependant, too loyal and trusting." Katan says. "and your too sexy for your shirt." "No Haley, we're not breaking out into song" Maddie says warningly. Haley sits back in her chair disappointedly. "…and I haven't left yet." Katan finished irritably. Rosiel says bluntly, " There's nothing wrong with me." As he flips his hair, somehow managing to entangle his hand in his disgusting mane, ew. Maddie interrupts, "Allow me to define" as she pulls out a list. "hypocritical , vain, narcissistic, a pedophile, incestuous, delusional, a nymphomaniac, bipolar, schizophrenic, and looks too much like a woman, i.e. gender confusion." Erin stands up and pulls out a key blade and walks towards Rosiel, "By the way…quit looking like a fucking chick!" as she bashes him over the head with it and resumes to her sitting place. "You've been planning this for a while, haven't you?" Maddie says, as Erin nods cheerfully.

"Hmmmm…." Stephan mumbles, stroking his imaginary beard, as a maniacal grin spreads across his face. "Well, I do….this!" He then grabs the therapist and brings him to a back room, and strange noises can be heard soon after. "Wow, Ira, you're related to that guy? You're totally A-sexual" Katan says, slightly surprised. "I don't know, I don't understand it either, nor do I try to." He replies, rolling his eyes. Then an awkward silence occurs, well it would have been a silence if there wasn't loud thumping and groaning noises from the other room. Finally, the counselor (Who shall never be named, for we are too lazy to give him one) and Stephan enters the room again, looking disheveled and slightly sweaty.

All of a sudden, the counselor beams cheerfully and says, "Now Katan, I'll need you in the back room as well." "_No." _Rosiel and Katan say simultaneously. Maddie shouts, "Maneuver A!" As Haley points, "Oh look, a shiny mirror over there!" Rosiel then prances away to look at it and Maddie shoves Katan into the counselor, as Erin sets up the cameras in the back room. She then skitters out like a ninjah, as Katan's objections are heard, "Hey wait! No, stop, don't put your hand there! Stop it!" Rosiel says, "Hey, there's no mirror here!" Shouts are then heard from the other room. "Stop! Don't put that there!" "No, that's my Katan!" Rosiel cries, and breaks down the door, to see the lewd position.

Katan is nude, along with the counselor, poor Katan's legs held in the air against his will, the counselor, settled between them comfortably, pinning Katan successfully. Katan's pale, slender fame sweating from the unwanted proximity and pain of the counselors penetration, his soft, pink lips trembling in fear, as a pathetic groan of "no…" is emitted from them, as perfect hands with long feminine nails scrape at the carpet. Erin then walks in there, takes the camera and re-watches it, as she cries out, "Yes!" While Haley squeals and bounces around cheerfully, as Maddie stands there smirking, "Oh, I'm good." (A/N Maddie wrote that little moment, she's oh so proud.) Rosiel's head is seen turning red, and then blowing up. But, somehow, he manages to attempt to beat up the counselor, despite the fact that he's currently headless. (Nobody wants to see his face, anyway)

Meanwhile, Katan is curled up in a fetal position in the corner, mumbling while rocking back and forth, "Don't touch me, don't touch me…" (Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Blame the juicy goodness.) "Aww, poor Birdyman! Heh heh heh…" Haley coos evilly, holding her arms out to hug the sotamized, sexy cherub, who freaks out more and covers his hands with his face-I mean, covers his face with his hands. (A/N Sorry, Maddie's a bit lysdexic) Anyway, Maddie then tells Ira to give Katan his clothes. "Why do I have to do it?" "'Cause you're the only one who doesn't molest him!" "Yeah, but _still…._fine, whatever." As Ira hands Katan his clothes, Katan clutches them to himself and in a whiny, shaky voice, sobs, "Don't look at me! Don't look at mee!" "Ok, the sooner we get out of the room so he can get his clothes on, the sooner we can leave. And I'm still traumatized by the little "family reunion." Ira says, seemingly acting motherly as he pushes everyone out of the room.

"….Whoa, where'd Erin, Stephan, and Counselor go?" Maddie suddenly brings up, as they all look around. She then shrugs. "Oh well. Lets have a future flashback, just for kicks." Everyone nods in simple agreement, except for Katan and Rosiel, because Katan is still too traumatized to do anything and Rosiel still does not have a head. They are suddenly all on the couch, and Rosiel somehow has his head back, even though we don't want it back. And Katan in still in fetal position at the side of the couch. Ira hands him a tissue and pats him on the head, as the future flashback starts up.

Beginning of flashback mainly happening to make fun of Rosiel

The flashback starts back (in the future?) when Rosiel comes in the room to visit Katan's coffin, and little Teiaiel is sitting on top of it. (A/N This occurs in book #5.) Rosiel stares at her long and hard, as if trying to understand something. He then says, "…What….are you?" Teiaiel curtly responds, "What the fuck do I look like, dumb ass? I'm a little girl! Oh I'm sorry, you're too gender confused to know that!" Seemingly oblivious to her obvious insult, Rosiel then asks, "How did you get in here?" To which Teiaiel rolls her eyes in exasperation and says, "Ok, think. _Really_ hard, back 5 minutes ago, when you sent little children in here for Katan to eat. Now, make the correlation between _you_ wanting children in here, and _me_ being a little girl. How the hell do you _think_ I got here?" Rosiel stares dumbfounded at her. "Wait, give me 5 minutes…"

5 minutes later, "Nah, I'm at a blank. Explain." "Oh god, no wonder this place is so fucked up…Ok! Jackass! He was supposed to eat me! But I'm too cute to be eaten!" "…I'm cuter than you." He replies haughtily. "…." "….." (A/N 'Cause they actually said dot dot dot) She then stands up in a dramatic pose, and points a finger to him. "CRICKETS ATTACK!" (I love these crickets!) Millions of crickets appear, some giving him the finger before they swarm on him and eat him alive. "AAAAAHHHH! CRICKETS!" He screams, as he throws his hands around trying to get rid of them, but yeah. Gets eaten. A little thought bubble appears over the coffin in which Katan lies. "…Wow, I wish I could control an army of drag queen eating crickets…keep that in mind."

End of future flashback

"…..Wait, I still don't get it, how'd she get in there?" Rosiel inquires, as soon as the flashback ends. "And why must I always get attacked by crickets?" "Because, everyone knows crickets are a very intelligent species of insects, and they all hate stupid incestuous drag queens!" Maddie retorts. Katan briefly stops his silent trauma to say, "Well duh, everyone knows that." "Yeah, even I know that!" Haley pipes up excitedly. Ira is holding a cricket in his palm and says, "Isn't that right, little cricket?" The cricket flicks Rosiel off again and nods, smiling. Rosiel then tries to counter by sticking his pinky finger up, his attempt at giving the cricket the finger. "Oh, drop it, lets just get out of here, before Counselor comes back" Katan flinches at the word "Counselor" Maddie grins wickedly and says it repeatedly, practically putting him in a seizure at her quick succession of the word. After about 5 minutes of that, Katan finally stops. "Ok, I'm over it, lets just go!" Maddie opens the door an allows everyone out except Rosiel, because when he comes she closes the door on his head.

Rosiel lays on the floor and looks up slightly, dazed. "…Who am I?" Haley looks back and forth shiftily, before shouting, "FRENCH PIRATE!" "Aw, fuck me…" Katan groans. "YAYYYY!" Rosiel screams, suddenly acquiring the French pirate attire, which looks something like this: (just go to my profile to see the pic) He then jumps on Katan, taking his suggestion a little more literally "Not again!" Katan cries out, struggling to get away. "Yay!" Haley squeals, taping it once again. Maddie leans back in a chair, with a thoughtful, yet enjoying look. "Ok, I've had enough of this, I'm going to drown myself in drunk blood and try to forget this night happened." Ira says, fed up. "Wait a minute! Help!" Katan pleads to him, to which he responds, "You're on your own this time, man, I'm out of here." When that little scene is over, Haley having caught it all, Maddie suddenly grabs a hold of Haley and Velcro's her to a tree. "Wait! Don't leave me here! Why must I always get stuck to things? HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

So yeah, that was a pretty long chapter! But I suppose we haven't written for a while, so we needed to. Yes, it was fun with all the bits of lime and implied sex/rape. We had fun with that indeed. And yeah, KMFDM rocks, wheeeeee! And so does Fried shrimp! Oh, and if you would like ro be part of the unofficial Katan fan club, and receive a French pirate club certificate, you can message Maddie at


	11. Silent Hill Goodness

Chapter 11: Silent Hill Goodness

"Helloooo? I wanna watch the tape with the counselor again! Hellooo!"

"Haley, stop being a whiny bitch," Maddie snaps.

All of a sudden, sirens can be heard wailing.

"What the hell is that noise?" Erin said, suddenly walking onto the scene, followed, of course, by Stephan.

"Erin, haven't you ever played Silent Hill?" Maddie asked.

"No, 'cause my mom's an ignorant bitch who won't buy me M-rated games, 'cause I'm 'only 16'. I've heard you talk about it, though," Erin replied.

"Well, you know how it sounds like a tornado siren? Well, in a minute, the floors are gonna turn into mesh wire, the walls are gonna turn into mesh wire, and everything's gonna be covered in rust, blood, and be really cool. And unsanitary. And really cool at the same time," Maddie explained. "It's better if we go inside when this happens, because outside you're more open to attack."

So everyone went inside, including Haley, because apparently the Velcro was no match for her rabid fangirl powers. And then suddenly (because Maddie said so), the counseling building turned into the Alternate School universe from the first Silent Hill.

"What the fuck just happened?" Stephan queried, gazing around the creepy room.

Maddie said, "It doesn't have a reason, it just kinda happens. Kinda like you being gay, Stephan."

"Ah, I see."

"It's grooooss!" Rosiel whines.

"Like you," everyone choruses.

"Nyeh!" Rosiel whined, before being flipped off by a giant cricket ('cause, you know, it's the alternate universe).

DUN DUN DUUUUN! Pyramid Head comes through one of the doors from the other end of the hall (A/N: I know Pyramid Head isn't until the second game, but work with us here), dragging his knife behind him. And everyone (except for an indifferent Maddie and Ira) begins running around in circles screaming.

After five minutes of this, Katan stops running.

"What's taking him so long?"

"Duh, he's dragging a knife that's like 100 lbs. Come on. That's why no one's ever afraid of Pyramid Head, because he's retarded," Maddie states, rolling her eyes.

Because Pyramid Head's head is so big (redundant, I know), he falls over, his pointy head now stuck in the ground.

"Whoa. That was worse than MY dramatic entrance," Erin mutters incredulously.

Maddie's eyes start darting about. She runs up, grabs Pyramid Head's giant knife of doom, and because, as of now, she is stronger than him, she picks it up, and, holding it high above her head, begins chasing after Rosiel with astonishing speed.

Rosiel screams and runs back and forth as Maddie chases him. For about an hour. Everybody else just leans against a wall, tapping their fingers.

"This mesh kinda hurts my ass," Katan complains.

"I could think of a few other things that would hurt just as bad," Haley grins suggestively.

"Uh.. no thanks," Katan mutters, moving further down the hall from the escaped mental patient.

Eventually, because Maddie's attention span isn't what some might think it is, she thrusts the knife tip-first into the ground and stands behind it, her hands folded neatly atop the handle.

"Ok, now. If we're going to get out of here, there are some basic rules we need to know." Everyone (even Rosiel) sits down and pays attention to Maddie, since she's the only one of them who'd ever played these games. "Rule one: If it's covered in blood, you have to take it."

"Why…?" Ira wondered aloud.

"Because, if it's covered in blood, you either have to read it, or it's a key item and you have to take it. It's just one of those things," Maddie explained. "Rule two: If it moves, and it's not one of us (except Rosiel), shoot it. If the freaky music doesn't stop, shoot it again. And then shoot it again, just for fun."

"But we don't even HAVE guns," Erin piped up. "Can I have a sword?"

"If you can fucking find one," Maddie mutters.

"Ok," Erin grins and pulls a katana out of midair.

"Aaaaalrighty then. Anyways…" Maddie continues, "Since this is technically the video game, if you touch something and words start floating over it, that means it's something you can take. Now, if you can pick it up, and it's doesn't say 'health' on it and isn't covered in blood, that means it's some kind of weapon. Like knives, guns, pipes, the occasional axe… And don't even try opening a door if you don't have the key. For some reason you won't be able to just break down flimsy wooden doors. Now, there's going to be a series of insane, abstract puzzles that are going to take forever."

Maddie begins passing out little notebooks with pens slipped into the spirals. "If you find any puzzles, this will help you figure them out. For those of you who are more mentally challenged, you will likely be dragging the puzzles to me to figure out. Any questions?"

"Is there a bathroom anywhere here?" Rosiel whined.

"What is this, a kindergarten field trip?" Maddie groaned.

"Well, with the combined mental capacities of him and Haley…" Erin points out.

"Good point. Well, unfortunately, the bathrooms don't work, as they're covered in blood and gore and bodies. Besides, I don't think angels are supposed to eat, so you probably don't have to use the bathroom. You're just stupid." Maddie then continued being all leader-y. "Now, we split up into groups. I'm with Katan--"

"Why do you get to be with Birdy-man?" Haley exclaimed.

"Yeah! He's MINE!" Rosiel growled.

"Because I'm one of the few people here who won't molest him. And, I wanna put smart people with smart people so we can actually get something done here," Maddie said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Now, Erin, Stephan, and Ira will go in a group, mostly because I don't trust Erin with a sword and I don't trust Stephan with anything."

"Gotcha," Erin said, tying her katana to the belt-strap on the front-left side of her jeans with a random leather strap.

"That leaves Haley to go with Rosiel," Maddie continued.

"I don't wanna be with her!" Rosiel whined. "She touches things that belong to me!"

"Yeah, and he smells funny!" Haley said, pointing an accusing finger at the arch dragqueen - I mean angel.

"I'm just trying to keep the stupid people with the stupid people, so you can stay out of our way and argue and bitch-slap each other while we get stuff done," Maddie stated simply.

"Eh," everyone shrugged.

"Ok! Let's split up!" Maddie exclaimed, grabbing Katan's arm and dragging him off.

(A/N: We are now going to be following the three different groups. We'll let you know who we're with, as though it's not going to be blaringly obvious. Damn you, lowered standards!)

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Maddie and Katan)

Maddie randomly pulls out a magnum (because a magnum is a girl's best friend).

"Where did you get that?" Katan asks.

"I always carry one with me," Maddie smirked.

"Since when?"

"Since.. I said so."

"Right…"

(A/N: Maddie's too lazy to remember exactly where everything is, so she's just making it up as she goes along.)

Maddie then started walking towards the storage room. Katan just kind of shrugged and followed. In the storage room, the focal point of the camera was a bright pink rubber ball.

"That's kind of an eyesore, with all the gloom and then.. whoa, electric pink ball," Katan pointed out.

Maddie nods, walking over to it.

Words appear floating in midair over the object. "Will you take the rubber ball?"

"Yes," Maddie says.

The ball magically floats into Maddie's pocket.

"Whoa, I dunno what's going on, but have we been dropping acid lately?" Katan queried.

"Well, actually, in the tradition of the game, we'd have to be dropping white Claudia."

"What?"

"Well, throughout the game, you find out these hints about this thing called 'white Claudia'. You're not sure if it's a drug trip or actually happening."

"Sounds like something from the mind of Edgar Allen Poe."

"No.. more like Lovecraft."

"Good point."

(A/N: Yes, a 14-year-old can, indeed, read Lovecraft. Fear my literacy.)

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(With Erin, Stephan, and Ira)

Erin, Ira, and Stephan, have managed to wander into a room with flashcards scattered atop a table. One of them, of course, had a key drawn on it.

Erin picks it up, and mutters, "Huh, this must be of some use somewhere."

Because Maddie says so, this is also the room with the disconnected phone that rings. And so the phone rings. Erin picks up the receiver, one eyebrow raised.

"Daddy? Save me!"

"Who the hell are you?" Erin asked.

"Daddy, it's Cheryl!"

"Who the hell is Cheryl! Shut up! Stop calling me!" she then slams the phone down angrily.

As she's about to walk away, the phone rings a second time.

"I said, stop calling this number!" Erin shouts into the phone.

"Hello? Is this Paris?" A male (?) voice is heard on the other end.

"OH MY GOD, it's Armand!" Erin shrieks, quickly hanging up the phone and jumping back as if it were some horrible insect.

"Phew, that was a close one!" she sighed, wiping imaginary sweat from her brow. "Damn you Armand! Damn yooooouuuu!"

"Ugh, I hate that freak," Ira grumbled.

"Yeah, even I won't have sex with him," Stephan said pointedly.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Haley and Rosiel)

Haley and Rosiel stood in front of a staircase, looking at a sign. The sign points to the stairs and says "Up".

"What do you think it means?" Rosiel wonders.

"I don't know," Haley said in awe.

One of those silhouettes of a child ghost runs past Haley. It trips, then squeaks, and disappears. Haley looks at where it was, blinking absently for a few seconds.

"Carl! Come back!" she wails.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Maddie and Katan)

Maddie and Katan have somehow managed to navigate to the roof. They examine the little drainpipe in the ceiling with the keys hanging out of it.

"Ok, it's obvious that we need water to go down the drain. But whenever we turn the water on with that valve over there," he points to a valve, "the water goes down the other drain before reaching this one." Random imaginary beard-stroking ensued.

"I've got it!" Maddie exclaims. She places the obnoxiously pink ball in the other pipe, and turns the water on.

The water flows over the hole which is plugged by the rubber ball, and down to the pipe with the key.

"Great, you knocked the keys down, but where do they go?" Katan said.

"Haven't thought that far yet," Maddie replied.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Erin, Stephan, and Ira)

The three of them are now standing in the teacher's lounge area.

"I thought teachers' lounges usually contained vending machines," Erin complained under her breath.

Ira was standing at the knobless door with the three square holes oozing blood. Looking back and forth between the two bodies chained to either side of the door, something clicks in his head.

"Erin, give me the card with the key on it," he requested. Erin tossed the card at him with a practiced flick of her wrist. He caught it and slipped it into a small slot in the door. It clicked, and unlocked.

"Whoa, how'd you figure that out?" Stephan asked.

"Well, the three squares on the door obviously correspond to the three squares on the back of the card. And since the card has a key on it, it's only natural to assume that it would be the key to this door."

"Oh."

They go through the door, and then through a door on the adjacent wall in the room on the other side. They are now in the girls' bathroom.

"So there IS a bathroom in this place," Stephan muttered, raising his hand to his chin.

"Yeah, but I don't think anyone would want to USE it," Ira pointed out.

For whatever reason, when they leave the girls' bathroom on the first floor, they come out of the girls' bathroom on the second floor.

"What the FUCK?" Erin said quite eloquently. They all look around, now definitely not in the room they should have been in. "Okaaaay then." They all just shrug, and go to the boys' bathroom.

One of them opens the door to the only stall, revealing a corpse that looked slightly mummified, strung up on wires in a crucified position.

"That would suck, dieing in the bathroom," Erin commented indifferently, poking at it with her katana. She then proceeds to wipe it off on a piece of cloth lying on the floor, since she didn't want corpse ickiness on her nice, shiny sword.

And of course, instead of acting disgusted or disturbed, all three of them burst out laughing at the dead person.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Haley and Rosiel)

There they sat, still staring dumbly at the "up" sign. Haley drew the sign in her book, thinking it was a puzzle, and, of course, spelling "uhp" wrong.

Maddie and Katan suddenly run down the stairs.

"Maddiiiieee, I can't figure out what that sign meeeeaaans!" Haley moans.

"… Haley, it says 'up'," Maddie says flatly.

"So?"

"It's pointing up, indicating that you can, indeed, go up these stairs."

Rosiel, being the dumbass shit-for-brains that he is says, "But… you just came down the stairs."

"Why me?" Maddie groans.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Erin, Stephan, and Ira)

Once the three had had their share of laughing at the corpse, Ira noticed a shotgun next to the body and picked it up. Stephan grabs a random broken pipe from next to the sink, smirking suggestively. Then they just kind of shook their heads, walked off, and since the area was blocked, went back into the girls' bathroom. They grab some ammo, since that's the only thing there, and exit.

Lo and behold, they were back on the first floor.

"Hey, isn't that Maddie and those other people?" Stephan said, pointing ahead.

"Yeah, come on, let's see what's going on," Erin said, leading the way back to the rest of the group of crazy psychopaths.

(A/N: End of crazy random group stuff.)

"Come on, guys," Maddie said, "if my calculations are correct, the keys we need should be in the courtyard, in the drainpipe." Everyone nodded and followed Maddie. 'Cause she has mystical, magical powers.

Outside, in the clocktower courtyard thing, there was where the drainpipe emptied out, with a key lying in a puddle beneath it.

"Ok, now we have to go up and around and down and down again," Maddie said distractedly.

"Ok, that made so much sense," Erin said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't doubt the game dynamics, Erin. Don't doubt the dynamics."

"Sure…"

After proceeding with the previously outlined traveling, they're in the boiler room. They turn the valve in the proper direction, making the spikes blocking the exit move. They all crammed onto the teeny-tiny platform, resisting the urge to throw Rosiel off. Who knows, they might need to use him as bait later.

Once at the bottom, a giant lizard appeared, its entire head opening and closing like a venus flytrap.

"Why is it doing that?" Katan inquired.

"Because it can," Maddie said. "Like I can do this!" She then grabbed Katan's ass. "Basically, we have to shoot it in the mouth a couple of times before it dies."

While Maddie goes to fight it, Haley finds a switch. A seemingly innocent-looking switch, that says "Warning! Do not touch!" on the top. Haley, being Haley, walks over to said switch, noticing that it is in the on position.

"Ooooh! Button!" she says, and starts flipping the switch. When she turns it off, the world goes back to normal. She switches it back, and it's back to the alternate world.

Haley decided to flip the switch as rapidly as she possibly could.

The lizard was about to eat Maddie, before she shouted, "Haley! Quit messing with the goddamn switch!"

Haley walks off, leaving the switch at "off". Maddie promptly grabs Rosiel by the arm and switches positions with him, backing away.

"Haley, turn it on!"

Haley switches the switch, and the poor lizard eats the greasy-haired dragqueen. But alas, he was so disgusting, the lizard barfed him up, before dying of humiliation and various diseases.

Maddie patted the dead lizard on the snout. "Poor split lizard. Never had a chance."

And then, because, in the game, you hear the sirens and wake up in the boiler room, and everything is normal. While waking up, they see the image of the dead bitch, Allessa.

"Who is that?" someone asked, before everyone realized that they truly and honestly did not give a shit.

Maddie finds a key sitting next to a boiler. She picks it up and reads the tag. "K. Gorden….. For some reason, this guy has his house totally unlocked, but has a key to his back fence, which is located in some alley."

"Freak," Stephan says. (A/N: Hopefully, the irony is not lost here.)

As they make their way outside, they hear church bells.

"Ok, now we have to go to the church," says Maddie.

"Why?" Katan asks.

"Because we can hear the church bells," Maddie says.

"No shit," Erin mutters.

They then proceed towards the church, following the map floating in the air in front of them. Maddie walks across the map screen, pointing at where they are.

"We are here," she explains. Using one of her pointy fingernails, she maps out their course. "We need to be here."

Ira then notes that they could just walk across the road to the church instead of cutting across some back alleys.

"Why can't we just take the main road?"

"One, it's infected with pterodactyl monsters, and two, the other one is non-existent."

"Ooookay," the others chorused.

We then walk out of the front of the school, to be promptly attacked by pterodactyl monsters. Rosiel screams like a girl and hides behind Katan.

Haley, not knowing that the gun shoots bullets, stupidly throws the gun at the monster, and of course, misses.

"Great job, deadeye," Maddie said, shooting it in the head. Its skull exploded, raining brains and gore everywhere in typical Resident Evil fashion.

"Cool," Erin chuckled.

The rest of the monsters flew off, fearing Maddie and her lazy powers. She then cocks the magnum as they continue on their merry way.

After the long trip to the church, they find a crazy old woman in a mismatched outfit, who begins ranting at them.

"I knew you were here!"

"I knew we were here, too!" Maddie exclaimed.

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"Um.. Take the flowrose and the key."

"Oh, can it, doll, and get the fuck out of here."

"Ok," the old lady whimpers, shuffling off.

Maddie tosses the flowrose to Ira.

"We don't really need this, but we can't leave without it. I'll grab the key." She grabs the drawbridge key.

Everyone shrugs and walks off, heading towards the drawbridge.

Once their, Maddie turns the drawbridge on, lowering it, 'cause that's what drawbridges do. They also grab the map in the control room.

"To Alchemia Hospital!" Maddie declares.

Haley hops on Katan's back, squealing, "Awaaaay!"

Rosiel then gets pissed and pries Haley off, with his fangirl powers of doom

And once again, our happy band of misfits go on their merry way to Alchemia Hospital.

And now we're there because Maddie said so.

In the front room, they hear gunshots, and go off to investigate, only to find a guy pointing his gun down at one of the bird monsters. The man, one Dr. Kauffman, goes into a monologue about how the monsters can't be real, and blah blah blah.

"Shut the fuck up!" Stephan groans.

"You don't have to be so mean about it," the doctor pouts, leaving the room.

"Yes, I did," Stephan mutters.

"If I remember correctly, we should have to go into one of the offices and grab a key. I don't remember what it's called, but I remember where it is. Trust me," Maddie states.

Maddie led them to the door on the right, not caring about the door to the left, since there was nothing of import in there. She leads them through the proper doors, leading to the key. She grabbed the basement keys off the table.

They locate the basement door, go down the stairs, step on some giant bugs (while Rosiel hides behind Katan), and go into the generator room, turning on the emergency power supply.

"Now we go to the second floor, come out in the elevator room, and then we go to the third floor, then a switch for the fourth floor should appear. We go up there, and will be in the Alternate Hospital," Maddie explains.

"Wouldn't that leave us on the roof?" Erin wonders aloud.

"You'd think so, but it doesn't."

"Ah."

After doing said annoying task, they get the button to the fourth floor.

"Who wants to do the honors?" Maddie asks.

Haley being Haley, waves her arms around, yelling, "ME! Memememememe! Ooh, me!"

Maddie, being overly-annoying, cuffed her on the side of the head. Haley just kind of stops, since that happens so often.

"Just press the button, Haley." And she does.

After that, there's a cutscene with Allessa walking towards an open door with a green sign reading "antique shop" above it. Since no one really cares, they all just go to the third floor, since all the doors here are locked. They all form their groups again.

(A/N: More grouped randomness, yay!)

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Maddie and Katan)

Maddie, for some reason, has already gotten to the puzzle in the nurse's station. She also reads the poem, giving Katan the magnum and telling him to find the puzzle pieces. He nods, grabs the magnum, and leaves.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Erin, Stephan, and Ira)

They have found the puzzle with the octopus tentacles sticking out of the wall, sucking the blood on the floor.

"Ew, dead blood," Ira blanches. "Apparently, it's trying to get at the blood on the floor. What do you think, Stephan?"

Stephan was nowhere to be found.

"Where the hell did he run off to now?"

"Who knows, and who cares?" Ira said indifferently. The two of them shrugged.

--------------------------------------------------------

(With Katan)

Somehow Katan ends up in an area inaccessible until the puzzle is solved, because it suits our needs. Technically, he's in the basement.

Wandering down the creepy basement hallway, two nurse monsters appear in front of Katan, because this also suits our needs. He goes to shoot them in the head, but the magnum clicks, empty. Before they could get their filthy hands on him (because we all know they wanted to molest him), Stephan bravely runs out of nowhere and bludgeons them to death with his metal pipe.

"Oh, thank you, Ira," Katan sighs, mistaking the twin's identity. He then finds himself pinned against the wall, golden curls brushing against the side of his face as a seductive voice purrs against his ear.

"Who are you calling Ira?" Stephan whispers, nibbling at Katan's neck. "Now, how are you going to repay me for this favor?" he mock-wonders, one hand mercilessly groping Katan's ass as the pipe clatters to the ground.

Katan's face flushed crimson, as he stuttered incoherently for a moment, trying to escape by edging back into the wall, obviously to no avail. "S-surely there's something else you'd rather have me do..?" he sputtered hopefully.

Stephan pulled his head back, tracing one impeccably manicured nail across Katan's lower lip. "You obviously don't know me very well…" he pouted listlessly.

Stephan's glance flickered downward for a moment, noting that Katan's arms rested at his sides. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity, he slid one velvet-clad arm around Katan's waist, effectively pinioning his arms and immobilizing him.

"Let go!" Katan whimpered, trying to squirm out of the vampire's grasp. "I refuse to commit the sin of premarital sex!" (A/N: That sounded kind of dumb, yes, but the authoresses couldn't think of a better way to word that.)

"Was that a proposal?" Stephan asked softly, devious humor glinting in his grey eyes. "In that case, I accept! Maintenant, we must find a room for our honeymoon night!"

Still keeping a tight hold around Katan's waist, Stephan wandered over to the nearest door, throwing it open with his free hand.

The room on the other side was a horrific sight to behold. Corpses lay piled around on the bloody floor, reeking of death and decay. The acrid smell made them both want to wretch. Internal organs, limbs, and skulls were pinned to the walls, with maggots and lice eating away happily at the feast of rotting flesh and tissue. The focal point of the room was actually a mostly-rotted corpse, wired to the wall, with the face painted into a smile, with one hand pinned to the wall with fingers splayed, as though welcoming them into the room.

Stephan raised one hand to cover Katan's eyes. "… I don't think so," he said after a drawn-out silence, before thoroughly shutting the door and moving on to the next one.

Door number two revealed a chamber completely covered in graffiti. Again, several cadavers lay about on the floor. Every few seconds, glass could be heard shattering, although there was nothing glass in the room.

"Another no," Stephan sighed, shutting the door and moving on, ignoring the struggling Katan.

The next room was an evil playroom of sorts. A few small corpses littered the floor, along with bloodied, macabre variations on different children's toys. A sort of rainbow was painted in blood of various stages of decay (therefore in a range of darkening reds and browns) decorated the back wall.

"Are there no rooms in this place that don't contain corpses?" Stephan groaned.

"I hope not," Katan muttered under his breath.

Stephan slammed the door in dismay and went on to a fourth door.

This room was rather spacious, and contained a large four-posted bed with black gauze drapes and blood-red sheets. The walls were splattered with blood, and chains hung from them in various places.

"Parfait! Finally!" Stephan cried, picking Katan up bridal-style (ignoring the angel's cry of protest), carrying him into the room and kicking the door shut behind him. Stopping just inside the entrance, he quickly kicked off his boots and pried Katan's shoes from his feet, avoiding being kicked in the face.

Unbeknownst to Katan but knownst to Stephan, the girls were busy setting up cameras and getting situated in large, comfy chairs on the other side of a glass wall, which was for some magical reason only soundproof on one side (meaning they could hear what went on, but Stephan and Katan could not hear them). Rosiel was boxed in behind one section of the wall, and was continuously beating his girly little hands against the glass in outrage, to no avail. Erin walked in from a door behind the glass wall, giving a bowl of popcorn to Haley and sitting down in her chair as Maddie set up one of the cameras, with Haley bouncing around gleefully.

Sorry boys and girls, but this is too heavy for this site, so go to my profile and find my e-mail address so you can ask me for what Stephan dose to Katan, because my profile is being a pain in the ass and wont let me change it. Don't click the link, its fucked up and don't be embarrassed to ask, it won't make me think you're gross or weird because if you were paying any attention at all, there is a nine out of ten chance that we're weirder than you are and hell, let's just face it, porn is good. Alternatively, you can just click the link in my profile, its working now, and I thought that this part was funny and didn't want to get rid of it.

When Katan slowly came to, he noticed several things at once. For one thing, he was surrounded by something very firm and lacking in heat. Second, his ass hurt. It wasn't an unpleasant sort of pain, but it was still there nonetheless. Third, there was an unusual pressure in his gums.

Wondering what Rosiel could have done to him this time, he turned his head around to face the body behind him. He was terrified to see Stephan lying next to him.

"Dear god…" he whispered. Memories of what the vampire had done to him assaulted his brain. Had he really.. enjoyed it…?

"Lord Rosiel's not going to like this…" he groaned. He noticed that he was having some difficulty speaking, as if there was something in his mouth, though he couldn't understand why. He happened to raise one hand to his mouth, only to discover to his horror that his canine teeth were much longer and pointier than they should have been. In fact, his entire body felt different… His mind was buzzing with all kinds of sensory information -- sights, sounds, and smells that were so subtle it was a wonder he was picking up on them.

The gears in his head got to working, piecing together the puzzle. Sharp teeth, high-powered senses, Stephan…

"That bastard!" he gasped, turning to the sleeping vampire next to him. It took all his willpower not to begin pummeling said bastard into a bloody pulp. And the blood! The same blood that now shot through his own veins!

His train of thought was, however, cut short as something shiny caught his eye. He reached out, pushing back the gauze curtains around the bed, to see the rest of the group sitting behind a glass wall. Rosiel was lying on the ground, a big bloody lump on his head and blood also trailing from his nose. The girls were all seated on armchairs, the mental patient eating popcorn, all of them staring at him.

He then realized he was completely nude. And also…

"Why is there a dick in my ass!" he screeched, jumping up and effectively dislodging said dick from said ass.

(A/N: Erin's been waiting to use that bit for some time now.)

His movements woke Stephan, who sat up, looking around dazedly.

Katan scrambled backward across the bed to sit with his back against the blood-smeared headboard. Trying to salvage what was left of his modesty, he attempted to cover his naked body with the bedsheets.

A look of concern crossed Stephan's face as he eyed the blood on the headboard.

"That blood's no good, my bride," he said softly, sitting up and crawling towards Katan.

"I am not your bride," Katan scowled.

Stephan stopped, lowering the hand he had raised towards the ex-cherub's cheek.

"But Trés, I seem to recall your proposal. And we've already had our honeymoon night…" He continued crawling towards Katan.

"Don't touch me," Katan whispered, his voice raspy as he recoiled. He lowered his head, raising his hands to his ears to block out the sound of Stephan's heartbeat.

Stephan flinched, hurt. He silently made his way over to the former angel, curling up next to him and wrapping one arm possessively around his waist while draping the other over his shoulder.

"You can come out now," he sighed, his gaze falling on the other side of the room.

The glass wall the girls were behind rose up into the ceiling.

"Well, I have to say, that is probably the best sex I have ever watched," Maddie commented as she strode forward.

"That was awesome, Birdy-Man!" Haley squealed.

"Ooh, now I want to draw a picture from that!" Erin squealed delightedly after poking Rosiel's unconscious body with her sword.

Ira could be heard vomiting from the other room. Could he honestly be related to that pervert?

Stephan sat up a bit straighter so he could find his and Katan's discarded clothes. With the force of his mind, he sent the garments flying towards the bed, before proceeding to dress himself and his "bride". (A/N: Katan's shirt is no longer ripped, because we said so.)

Now fully-dress (though still somewhat bedraggled), Stephan moved to stand at the foot of the bed, dragging a catatonic Katan along with him, keeping one arm clasped firmly around his waist.

Haley, being Haley, sneaks not-so-stealthily forward to place one hand on Katan's ass. Rosiel suddenly springs to his feet, not noticing the blood dripping from his nose and from the wound on his head, making his hair even grosser than it already was, if that's even possible.

"That's MY ass!" he shrieks, launching himself forward to tackle the escaped mental patient thing to the ground, at which point he begins to bitch-slap her.

"Technically, it's HIS ass," Maddie says ceremoniously.

"Well, actually, since the blood keeping said ass alive is MY blood, that would make it MY ass," Stephan adds, tightening his hold on Katan's waist.

Rosiel stares at the vampire in shock (Haley taking the opportunity to bite him in the arm, likely giving him rabies).

"You didn't!" he wailed, reaching out to touch Katan's hand. It was cold as a corpse.

"Don't touch him!" Stephan spat, promptly kicking the dragqueen in the face (and since he was wearing boots, this probably hurt quite a bit).

"But he's MINE!" Rosiel sobbed, beating his fists on the ground like a child.

"Not anymore. You treated him terribly," Stephan said coldly, glaring at the Arch Dragqueen.

"He has a point," Maddie stated.

"But.. but…" Rosiel howled, before breaking out into a series of annoying, gasping sobs.

"Hey," Erin suddenly suggests, "Why don't we just leave him here?"

"Yeah, ok," Maddie agrees, nodding. Haley and Stephan also voiced their approval, and Ira shrugged, finally finished vomiting. The five of them turned and left the room, Stephan leading Katan, and leaving the hysterical PMSing dragqueen to wallow in his pathetic misery.

Outside in the hallway, Maddie spied a hospital gurney. Grabbing Haley, she quickly strapped the mental patient onto the gurney, where she probably should have been all along.

"Heeey! The straps are digging into my arms… Hellooooo? I need to change my underwear!"

--------------------------------------------------------


	12. Where Are They Now

Where are they now?

Well, Katan and Rosiel died in the last book.

Haley, you ask? Well, she discovered this thing called reality and now enjoys a relatively quiet life with her boyfriend (I know, scary right?) Matt, who looks nothing like Katan. She now loves rainbows and has quite the talent for makeup.

Maddie still is living in her own world, but after discovering Nietchize, she's now learned to love life. When she remembers to keep up with her anti-depressants, anyway. She still has in-depth conversations with Ira on a nightly basis, much to the chagrin of her family. But fuck those guy, right? She still writes often, but it's nothing that can be posted, nor does she have any interest in posting it. She did go on to write a mildly popular parody of the re-make of the first Resident Evil. She is still working on it, however.

Ira is still moderately traumatized, but for the most part is over it. He continues to live with Maddie and makes cameos in her Resident Evil world as something of a personal secretary.

As a pair of horrible writers, the girls discovered this thing called grammar and proper word forms, and, should they write again (not that they ever will, mind you) would do a much better job than this. They still fantasize about pretty men and what they would like to do to them. Right now, they are in love with Joker/Jonathan Crane. Also pretty much anything with Cillian Murphy. Breakfast on Pluto is their favorite move. Matt is also jealous that he can never bee as pretty as Cillian Murphy, but Mr. Murphy is not about to show up at Haley's house dressed as a woman with car troubles, so he has nothing to fear.

Who knows what the future will bring for them? Well, you won't, because *deep breath* THIS SHIT IS OVER.


End file.
